Missy&Cliff

Happy Birthday

2008-01-31T07:02:00.001+07:00

Today is my dad’s birthday. Another year, another letter. I still miss him but on this third year I’ve begun to feel that it has been like this forever. Living with him in my heart and soul but not in physical presence. I have started to remember him just as he was and not the rosy picture of him in pedestal. When he passed away and years afterward I can only remember his good deeds. I can only picture him as the perfect dad, the perfect mentor, the perfect man. I couldn’t remember his flaws, his limitation, or his humanity. To me he was perfect.
When I re read my blog I notice that throughout the years after he passed away, I’ve always wrote about how much I love him, how much I miss him, and most of all how much I look up to him. I wrote about how he imparted his wisdom to me, about how he seemed to know the answer to all questions, how indulgence he was to us and how he taught me so many stuff during his living years.
I never wrote how he hardly display any sign of affection when I was growing up. I never wrote about how he very seldom praised me. I never wrote how it took me years to finally realize that he did love me and he was proud of me despite of his lack of display of affection. And then of course there’s the physiological that he was my step dad.
But you know what, I don’t care. I love him all the same. Yes, he was not perfect. Yes, he had his flaws. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love him very much and not a day had pass that I don’t think of him.
Happy birthday, daddy.

Panic Mode…

2008-01-18T12:26:00.000+07:00

I just got a call from my sis, telling me that my mum is in hospital coz she was hit by a car while crossing. In a nutshell she is all right. But unreasonably I was so agitated and close to crying. The last time I received similar call from my sis, I took it lightly, too lightly that I only reached the hospital way after my father passed away.

PRICK

2008-01-17T10:55:00.001+07:00

About 3 hours ago I was fuming mad. Reason being, yours truly who had wanted to ‘try again’ bailed out for Saturday on which we’re supposed to go out just casually. Understood that work is work, but then I do wonder sometimes whether it’s really work or just an excuse. Oh boy I was mad really, and for a while thought why do I let myself get entangled in this nonsense. Here’s the excerpt

YT: … I hv to fly to perth on sat/sat
Me: Oh, so the we’re not going out on Sat? (which btw he asked me last Monday and since I kinda want to catch up with him, I’ve cleared out my calendar… which is not tat busy anyway)
YT: I know. I’m not looking forward to it.
Me: WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!! (silently)

Then after awhile I realize the reason I was fuming was because he wasn’t apologetic about bailing out. The emotion I felt was sort of familiar, I remember there was this time R bailed on me about half an hour before he’s supposed to come and he didn’t sound apologetic and it pushed me off the roof. I was so mad at him then, but of course like always we patched things up.

Well anyway I’m not going to waste my time analyzing anything and I’ll be damned if I waste anymore time writing about yours truly. I’m just venting out, I bloody hate it when people ermmm… I dunno the right word coz the only words in my mind are swearing words... mmm being bloody pricks???

If just

2007-12-16T18:21:00.000+07:00

If just it didn't rained today
Then i might not have felt so blue
And i wouldnt be thinking of you

If just i had kept myself busy
Then i might not have let my mind wander
And i wouldnt be wondering about you

If just i had never met you
Then i might had not felt this way
And wouldnt be missing you

Blardeee i hate it when i feel soppy. All will pass and time will heals but by jove i miss him badly today. I hate myself for missing him really.

window

2007-12-13T13:09:00.001+07:00

Someone once told me when a door closes a window would be open it's just sometimes one is to preoccupied with the closed door that one does not notice the open window....

Well now i'm on a stage where i'm gonna smash either the window or the door

Dateless for the Holiday

2007-12-11T08:10:00.000+07:00

Time is approaching to that season of the year when the suck ness of being a singleton intensified by a couple of notch. I love Christmas ever since I was a kid, but when I was a kid I have never known loneliness, real loneliness that is. I was part of a happy family, I still am I guess but I’m also slowly progressing toward Bridget Jones.

As I grow older and my siblings got married and have the whole works loneliness starts creeping bits by bits. You started to think ‘Oh I wish I have someone special I can share my Christmas’. I vaguely remember once I wrote that I never want anything fancy, but it’d be nice to have someone special to share my Christmas morning, and maybe a nice warm house with gingerbread aroma seeping from the kitchen (go search in the archive!).

Now, obviously it won’t happen for me this year, sharing Christmas morning with that special someone that is. It’s kind of suck I must admit. I mean like come on, if I said that I don’t need a relationship, that I don’t want any guy in my life, I’d be lying through my teeth. But then the fact is I don’t have any of the above, so what can I do?

So this Christmas, instead of waking up with someone special beside me, I’m flying down to Melbourne spending my Christmas holiday with old friends I have not seen for years. We’ll drive out to Yarra Valley spending a couple of nights at a beautiful winery spoiling ourselves silly with the wines, food and spa. And as a treat I will buy myself something very special for Christmas gift. Hey if I don’t have any guy to buy that special gift, I’ll have the next best thing which is buying it myself. And likewise yes spending Christmas at home with your loved one is probably cheaper than a blissful getaway, but hey it sure beats staying at home and torturing myself wishing I have someone. A girl gotta do wats a girl gotta do. Happy Holidays People!!

Calls II

2007-11-28T05:58:00.001+07:00

This is the second part of my story, which I took off but I’ve just reposted again. So following my message, a couple of missed calls and one liner emails, I decided to answer his call at the end of week. He said he’s very sorry and all, that work was simply overwhelming and he should try harder. In a nutshell of course then I forgave him and decide that I should just forget about everything that had happen and cut him some slack. The following week things are better though not really up to what I needed it to be. There were more calls and more emails, and he came home for weekend. The weekend was blissful and I thought that it was all worthed. We had a long talk and decide that we will make it work, that he’ll try harder to give me more attention and all. And I think of myself that I’ll be more patient and just let it flow. Come Monday, well let me just tell you I spend most of my Monday night and Tuesday night fuming and hating myself. And so even though I faltered the first time round I decide that as much as I want to be selfless, kind and understanding to him, at this stage my happiness comes first. Who’s going to love me and take care of my happiness if not myself. So for once and for all I broke off with him this morning. A part of me worried whether I make the right decision, because I do like him a lot and I do enjoy spending time with him very much, but the other part of me kept telling me that those enjoyments comes with too expensive price tag. And I still believe I deserve better than sorries that keep repeating themselves.

Calls

2007-11-28T05:58:00.000+07:00

Okay… now that I’ve finished my prolonged ‘blue’ mood its time to write about my romantic adventure or the lack of it. I guess as my chums would know ever since the ‘great break up’ I haven’t got any real relationship. Spent the time in Singapore being cynical towards anything related to relationship and having the greatest time in my life being a single gal with no burden, which of course translates to lots of shopping, dining out, booze, dancing, facials, massages, and lazy sunday in front of the TV.
Then a few months ago I met someone quite accidentally over the internet. Yes, I know what you’re thinking but hey it’s not like I planned it, and plus really these days internet has become an integrated networking means in our life. Anyway he seemed like a decent guy so we started emailing each other and all. To be bluntly honest I didn’t think much of it at that time since to me at the end of the day virtual is virtual.
So then I moved to Sydney two months ago and I hooked up with this guy for real as in flesh and blood. So we dated and along the way become sort of an item. Now looking back really it wasn’t the right time to embark on any relationship since I’ve just moved here, I was at loss, and I was lonely. But then I really did like this guy and somehow whenever I like someone my rationale always goes on a holiday.
So then, there I was in a relationship. Because I was in a situation where I myself was at loss (new place, new job, new everything within a week time) plus my rationale went on a holiday very soon I lost control of things. Instead of getting my stuff sorted out I would be crying because he didn’t call me. Or instead of going out building my new circle of friends I would be fervently waiting for a call that never happens. And instead of seeing things as it really are, I was alternating between convincing myself that all relationship needs work and convincing myself that he's not worth the pain.
So then after 2 months of a mix of great dates and sleepless nights I decide that I need to regain control and be realistic. Mind you, I did enjoy spending time with him, but then the ache inflicted from the no call no news days rather out weights it sadly. Not to mention the damage done to my sanity when I called him incessantly to no avail. I guess I’m partly to blame too, I mean why do I let myself got so bothered whether he calls me or not. Well I guess the answer to that is because despite how busy he was I wanted him to miss me as much as I missed him.
Hence a few days ago after a no news day and incessant unanswered called I left him a message in his voicemail that if he thinks that calling me is not important enough (a week and a half earlier he asked me to give him that one and a half week and he would give me more time after that, which I presume means taking 5 minutes from his busy day to call and let me know that he hasn’t forgot) and keeping a promise he made is too much hassle to him then might as well don’t ever calls me anymore. And no he didn’t try to reach me after that, I did receive one miss call and a one liner mentioning the weather and his whereabouts but nothing else. So I guess then that’s it, he’s simply not that into me (quoted from a book I read somewhere). Hence here I am now regaining control in my life, getting my life together (sorted out my banking stuff, insurance, etc which I did!!) and looking forward for what may come.
Oh oh… I almost forgot the best part, funny stories around this episode:
After being upset feeling neglected, went to the loo and let my tears streams down and sobbing for a few minutes. Wipe my tears open the door, loo and behold my boss is inside. Boy, talking about awkward moment.
Had one too many drink after work trying not to think about him, hop on to a bus home and I forgot him allrite. And I also forgot I was in a bus until I woke up from the ‘weird sound’ which turns out to be my snoring and found my face a bit damp from droll.
So anyway, yeah that’s my latest romantic adventure or misadventure written in the hope to amuse you and for your learning if you may. So for guys out there, trust me those 5 minutes calls everyday even at your busiest means a great deal. And really doing small gestures works wonder, girls these days doesn’t need a prince in shining armor to save them anymore but feeling wanted is one thing that all girls still needs.

Clingy

2007-10-29T13:17:00.000+07:00

Again I’m stealing time… but then again it’s almost knock off time and I’ve exhaust my brain for the day, so I figure I’ll recharge myself by writing something.

A few days ago a good friend of mine had confided about her relationship. It wasn’t such a big thing but it had gotten us to start a very interesting conversation about “How clingy is clingy?” In a nutshell her boyfriend felt that she was too clingy and not giving him the space he needed. It came as a surprise to her since she felt that she had given him ample room and she didn’t feel that she was clingy at all.

To me it sounds really familiar, as a renowned drama queen my exes would happily testify about my clingy-ness and my over analyzing. But of course the question is what is considered as being too clingy? Does expecting a call at least once a day is considered as clingy while you’re apart? Or is one call a day Ok but expecting a call every morning and night is clingy? If you ask me, a call every morning and night is still Ok even when you’re busy. But then again of course I’m a girl and I like receiving those ‘no reason’ phone calls. I guess it’s flattering to know that someone is thinking of you even at his busiest time. After all what’s a 3 minutes call? A mere sms or a 3 minutes call only takes a tiny fraction of one’s time. Hey if it’s me I would spare 3 minutes to sms even at my busiest time I mean one would still need a break and sms ing someone I like is a good enough break for me.

Buuttt, the flaw of this argument is that again I’m not a guy. All guidebooks would tell you that guys doesn’t function the same way as girls are (believe me, I read tons of those books). Basic example generally guys are known to be poor multi taskers and girls can do 3 things in one time. So just because I would happily sms someone I like during my break it doesn’t mean it can be applied to a guy. Don’t ask me what a guy will think about this. Whether like me he’d also feel that sms ing someone he likes is as good break as anything or he prefer not to be distracted at all. I’m not a guy after all, but I guess the message is that we are just different creatures. Hence to answer the question of how clingy is clingy, well I guess you and your partner have to works it out since no same formula can be applied.

Oh one last thing don’t trust my word too much ok, since you who know me would know already I’m hopeless in relationship department. I just hope Mr.W doesn’t read this, or if you do… no it’s not about us babe, but if you want to call me more often I’d be happy to receive your calls hohohohoho….

Prickly

2007-10-24T10:52:00.001+07:00

Again I’m stealing time since I need to vent out my soul and I guess it’s easier to just write about it instead of whining to a friend given the circumstances (read: outlook is being stupid n in new job so cannot make personal calls).
For my closer people I guess as everyone you all know I have finally moved to Sydney and with flying colors. I manage to sort out my stuff in Singapore get a job here in less than a week and I guess more or less get myself settled here.
I guess it’s not so much of a big deal for most people, I mean people do move around and it’s not like I’m moving to some God’s forsaken land. But anyhow I guess somehow I’m drained now. The last couple of years has been a whirlwind affair packed with lessons learn, heartache, development, basically everything. Now I’m not asking for muffin basket or anything, but oh please give me a break. I’m sorry to be such a whiner, but I’ve gone through enough stuff for now at least. All the while I’ve been marching along since I know that everything were temporary, the happiness, the sadness. But I guess now I’m in a stage where I don’t really have the energy to march anymore and I just want to sit still for a while till I can muster some energy.
So yeah like I said, I’m not asking for muffin basket, but please give me a break and appreciate what I have gone through and came out from. Let me tell you it wasn’t such an easy ride. So if I hear one more word about me being a slacker and about me should start taking charge of my life, I swear I would strangle you. I swear I would let the nasty me come out and tear you to pieces, bits by bits !!

B...

2007-10-18T14:05:00.001+07:00

I’m stealing time to write today because my B just lost her grandfather after a long battle with his illness. One should think by this time I’m used to this already considering there had been quite a number of losses among my closest people. Yet whenever it happens I cannot help not to feel for those who just lost their loved ones. I’m sad that B is experiencing this loss, but more than that I felt sorry that I’m so far away that I could not do much for her.

When my dad passed away B was a tower of strength and she had showered so much attention to me and my family by doing little things like showing up to my place every day bringing little treats. I will always love her for that and for a lot of other things. As much as I like my independence and freedom living away from home at times like this I regret of moving away.

Sunday blues

2007-10-14T17:49:00.000+07:00

I feel so blue i dunno wat to do... I guess i might resolve in moping a while later. I hate it when one of those blue mood hits you like a thunder and u feel so resolutely blue and all u want to do is moping. Missing Singapore...

My Boss up there & His kindness

2007-10-14T15:00:00.000+07:00

I had wanted to write a long and emotionally charged piece about how God have always takes care of me and once again He has shown His greatness in my life. But then again i decide it's not really me to write a ' Religious Testimonial' especially a long one. So then i decide to just do a short one about how the Guy up there have very kindly worked things out for me.

I came back to OZ a couple of weeks ago rather worried about getting a job here, mainly because the last time i tried to find a job in OZ i ended up becoming unemployed for 6 months on which my faith was tested so badly. If you're so idle, you can read abt it somewhere in the archive i guess. So i kinda told the Guy up there to be nice to me this time since i've been thru a lot the last couple of years. As always the never ending negotiation with Him n convince Him to make my plan His plan.

So anyway, guess what i've managed to secure a job within the first week i arrived and a not so bad job either !! And the interview process n all happened in a day. So yeah i was quite a lucky bastard and of course my Man up there must hv clock in some extra hours to made this happen for me. So yeah You rock man !!

25th August 2005 - 25th August 2007

2007-08-28T16:13:00.000+07:00

Last Saturday was my dad’s 2nd year death anniversary. Time does fly really. In my head it was like yesterday, the nightmare still vividly etched in my mind. The bewilderment, the lost feeling, and the pain. It felt like there was a huge stone slowly descending to your chest. Your heart was crushed little by little, the muscles contracting as if trying to fight the pressing movement of the stone. Soon you would be gasping for air. You face would start turning blue and the world was turning dark.

That’s how I felt at that time the minute I heard the news. Now two years pass sometimes I still feel it. Despite all my bravado, my faith that it’s all for the best, and my most positive-ness, there will always be days when I miss him so badly. I went to church and my heart crunch for missing him so much. There was this invisible being who twist my heart squeezing the life out of me and at that precise moment I felt this enormous anguish I couldn’t help crying.

For the whole hour I kept bargaining with God to free my dad from purgatory. When he passed away, it happened so quick that he didn’t have time to receive the last rite sacrament. This had been weighing on my mum so much being a devout that she is. I remember about half a year after my dad passed away I went to a trip to Israel. I never actually said it before but the reason I choose Israel is so that I can bargain with God to let my dad free from purgatory. When I was in Jesus’ tomb I asked for a mass for my dad hoping that it would hold more appeal to God, it was the holiest place after all. I stuck little notes on the Wailing Wall proposing my bargain with God. I lighted candles in Bethlehem hoping it would carry my prayer about freeing my dad from purgatory. I stare at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus made his miracles and pleading to God to free my dad. Everywhere I went I incessantly praying, pleading, demanding, and reasoning to God so my dad can be exempted from the fire of purgatory. And now two years afterwards, I still continue my campaign for my dad. So God, please consider my proposal and really wouldn’t it be easier to just grant me this wish so that you don’t have to be bothered with my nagging?

If tomorrow never comes

2007-08-15T13:35:00.000+07:00

Read a friend’s blog who had just put up the lyric of ‘If tomorrow never comes’. I never really liked the song much, since I always thought it was on the cheesy side. But reading it I somehow feel touched. Though to be fair I’ve been on mellow mood the last couple of days and with good biological reason too.

Anyway, the bit that really touched me is

“And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last??”

I thought it was really sweet that when faced with the idea of passing away he didn’t think about how much he was going to miss her, but he was more worried about whether she’ll survive it. I guess when you love someone so much you’ll put her well being above yours.

I remember when my dad passed away, my mum told me that she’s sorry that I have to go through it. She’s sorry that I had to lose my dad all over again and she hope that I’ll be okay. Looking back, it showed how much she loved me when she said that. When she had just lost her dream of spending her old age with her husband, losing her lifelong companion, she worried about me. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she felt sorry for me. Frankly speaking i imagine that it was a bigger lost for her than for me considering the fact that they were together almost 24x7 and practically breathing the same air all the time. Yet my mum worried about me. And i'm sure when he was passing away my dad would probably thinking about how his family would survive it, though i didn't think that he'd doubt tat we would survive.

If I have half the capacity of my parents to love, I’d be a lucky person seriously.

Life

2007-07-25T15:49:00.000+07:00

Just read a piece about Belinda Emmet, an Australian actress & wife of Rove McManus. I vaguely remembered her from some old local series and of course from the tabloids. Anyway, she had lost her life to cancer about a year ago. Reading testimonies from her family and friends makes me realize that in life it’s never about the destination but always about the journey. It does not matter that she did not have the luxury of growing old like most of us will, because somehow in her short life she had made it worth living. Spread as much love to her loved ones, be happy despite all misgivings, and most of all simply love her life. Easier said than done, of course.

There are times in my life, a lot actually when I simply feel down and the nasty self pity virus creeping into my soul. Those days when you just feel that everything are blue, and your lips refuses to smile. Days when you sit on the couch, staring blankly at the TV and before you know it tears trickles down your cheek. Days when not even storewide sale perks up your desire to burn money you don’t have. Days when chocolate fudge ben n jerry’s does not tempt your taste buds at all, though it’s good for your waistline it’s not good for your moral really. Yeah, I’ve had those days more often that I should be actually.

Reading that piece about Belinda reminds me of how much life has to offer really. If just I can shake off those negativity dust whose life purpose seems to be making me miserable. When I was a child whenever I felt upset I will hide in my closet. I will sit inside the dark closet among the hanging clothes, shutting the world out. At times I can stay there for hours and fall asleep curled up with clothes strewn all over me. Always my nanny will pick me out and lay me on my bed. I would wake up the next day in my bed and not a word ever being said, she would just let me be. Even during bleak time somehow there will be someone something that will remind me of how lucky I was.

Please Baby Don't- Sergio Mendez, John Legend

2007-07-25T10:17:00.000+07:00

Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
See honey I (honey I)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

I've been cruisin down this road for a while now,
I should tell the truth...
Girl you've been so good to me but I know
I'm no good for you
You should run while you can
Find yourself a better man
'Cause I'm known for brief romance
And breakin hearts across the land

Yes I've been known to have a few temptations
Out there on the road
And let's say hypothetically I've slipped and
Took a couple home
Girl I know that's not fair
You need someone who'll be there
So just get away before it's too late
and you're pain is too much to bear

......

Now on second thought maybe we'll give
This love another try'
Cause I can't see you with no one else
I'm selfish I can't lie
So let's go, let's go slow
You know all you need to know
It could end one day but
Let's just say we'll see how far it goes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am listening to this song now and i must say i like it a lot. Was telling my friend about this song and she said this is how bastards gets the nice girls... he he he

Time is Running Out - Muse

2007-07-24T09:27:00.000+07:00

think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
I wanted freedombound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted
now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me
bury itI won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?ooooohh
you will suck the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh

Dawn

2007-07-23T23:45:00.000+07:00

As she held her gaze steady looking right through the fog. She knew then, she knew. It will not be too long anymore. Soon the sun will rise and her waiting will be over.

She wraps her hands around her chest, fighting away the chill pre dawn air. Her mind wanders like it always do. Her breathing quiet and regulated. Her busom going up and down. And her minds wanders even more.

Outside the sky is dark. Below on the street the milk cart rattled delivering white bottles of cow's goodness. Murky oil lamps shimmers among the fog. Policeman doing his rounds and fighting of cold with a flask of cognac.

She turns her head from the window. Her bed neat and untouched. Starched sheets and quilted patchwork free of wrinkles. Withering roses of yesterday yellowing in painted white vase. She summon her mind back from wandering. Always the wanderer her mind is.

Golden rays starts to shine out far away in the east. Lights begin to shine out from windows across the street. Crystal morning dew necklace forming on the spider web just below the railing. Oh so pretty she thoughts.

Another night. Another dawn. Another day. A sleepless night has passed. A sleepless night without her beloved.

Happy Birthday

2007-07-06T12:47:00.000+07:00

Last Wednesday was my mum’s birthday. I asked B to help me buy some orchids for her and send it to her place. My ever so helpful B had initiatively pulled out poem which I have now idea where and attached it to the orchids…
Superbly corny & cheesy, and both B & I did have a good laugh at it but then somehow the more we laugh about it the more I realize that I do meant most of it, if just I can put it in a less cheesy way… sigh
Mom, you're a wonderful mother,

So gentle, yet so strong.

The many ways you show you care

Always make me feel I belong.

You're patient when I'm foolish;

You give guidance when I ask;

It seems you can do most anything;

You're the master of every task.

You're a dependable source of comfort;

You're my cushion when I fall.

You help in times of trouble;

You support me whenever I call.

I love you more than I can express;

You have my total respect.

If I had my choice of mothers,

You'd be the one I'd select!

Happy Birthday Mom..

Love,
Monika

Orgasmic Experience

2007-06-30T22:21:00.000+07:00

Whenever i read food review that calls a meal or any sort of eating activity as an orgasmic experience i have always thinks of it as an exageration, until today.

I went to have dinner at Mackenzie Rex down in Selegie road with my partner in crime R. Had cereal prawn which i have been craving for since afternoon along with wrapped chicken and a tofu claypot. I have eaten there a couple of times before, and although i've thought of it as one of the better place i didn't think of it as a special place.

Maybe because i was starving or maybe simply because i have been craving for cereal prawn, but as i started eating i began to sweat though none of the food was anywhere spicy nor the place was hot. As the dinner progress somehow i felt that it was just me and my food and nothing else exist in the world... yes, yes i know it's glutton. I slowly work my way on the prawn cereals, peeling of the crispy cereal bits from the shells, sucking off the morsels in prawn head, and happily chewing the prawn meat lathered in cereals.

Before i knew it I was sweating like no one's business. Seriously i was drenched and sweat actually trickles from my forehead, and the strangest thing is the place was quite cooling and i wasn't having any chili nor anything hot at all. By the time i finish my meal, I've felt strangely elated and happy. I sat there contented and i smile.

My orgasmic experience, and now a good few hours after dinner I'm still smiling.

Doa

2007-06-21T15:41:00.000+07:00

Tuhan,
tolong beri aku sedikit cahaya
supaya aku tidak tersesat dalam jalanku
tolong beri aku sedikit tumpuan
supaya aku tidak terseok seok dalam meniti
tolong beri aku kesabaran
supaya aku tidak terjatuh dalam ketergesaanku
tolong beri aku kepercayaan
supaya aku tidak putus asa dalam pencarianku

Foxy

2007-06-13T23:41:00.001+07:00

I once had a mini collie named Foxy. A bundle of excess energy and endless mischief who always get himself in trouble especially with my dad. A sneaky little creature who somehow always manage to let himself free whenever he was put in a cage or tied up in a pole to pay for his penitence. Whose life purpose is to destroy things and testing people patience. But when he sit still and dozing never have I seen more beautiful creature than he was. The sleek face, wide eye but slanted, his upturned ear and his soft long brown and white mane. When he slept at the corner of my bedspread he always looked so peaceful and angelic one would not imagine he was the same dog barking like mad at no one and happily sashaying in the rooftop breaking the roof tiles. One would not guess that the dog who had caught a mouse and played with it’s remnants is the same dog that gracefully raise his paw to my palm.
In the end I began to be busy and started to neglect him. Soon he became just a nuisance and I cannot see the beautiful creature in him that I used to see. I cease to play with him, I stop letting him sleep in my room, and I started to forget him. But when he began to grow old and ill ridden I realize how much I love that dog. And when he passed away and I wasn’t around I went to my bathroom and started to cry quietly. I cried for hours and the grief didn’t left me for days. I cried for that dog much more than when some other people in my life passed away. I was mourning for this being who had loved me unconditionally even when I neglected and forgot him.

Never My Love -Astrud Gilberto

2007-06-01T11:46:00.000+07:00

You ask me if there'll come a time
when I grow tired of you;
never my love, never my love.

You wonder if this heart of mine
will lose its desire for you;
never my love,never my love.

What makes you think love will end
when you know that my whole life
depends on you?

You say you fear I'll change my mind
I won't require you,
Never my love,never my love.

How can you think love will end
when I've asked you to spend your
whole life with me?

So vry addicted to this song

$#@&

2007-03-29T22:09:00.000+07:00

I'm just so freaking tired... I just want to lay my head somewhere... and the worst thing is at the end of the day you know the only one you can rely to support your head is your own neck.