Missy&Cliff

Happy Birthday

2008-01-31T07:02:00.001+07:00

Today is my dad’s birthday. Another year, another letter. I still miss him but on this third year I’ve begun to feel that it has been like this forever. Living with him in my heart and soul but not in physical presence. I have started to remember him just as he was and not the rosy picture of him in pedestal. When he passed away and years afterward I can only remember his good deeds. I can only picture him as the perfect dad, the perfect mentor, the perfect man. I couldn’t remember his flaws, his limitation, or his humanity. To me he was perfect.
When I re read my blog I notice that throughout the years after he passed away, I’ve always wrote about how much I love him, how much I miss him, and most of all how much I look up to him. I wrote about how he imparted his wisdom to me, about how he seemed to know the answer to all questions, how indulgence he was to us and how he taught me so many stuff during his living years.
I never wrote how he hardly display any sign of affection when I was growing up. I never wrote about how he very seldom praised me. I never wrote how it took me years to finally realize that he did love me and he was proud of me despite of his lack of display of affection. And then of course there’s the physiological that he was my step dad.
But you know what, I don’t care. I love him all the same. Yes, he was not perfect. Yes, he had his flaws. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love him very much and not a day had pass that I don’t think of him.
Happy birthday, daddy.

Panic Mode…

2008-01-18T12:26:00.000+07:00

I just got a call from my sis, telling me that my mum is in hospital coz she was hit by a car while crossing. In a nutshell she is all right. But unreasonably I was so agitated and close to crying. The last time I received similar call from my sis, I took it lightly, too lightly that I only reached the hospital way after my father passed away.

PRICK

2008-01-17T10:55:00.001+07:00

About 3 hours ago I was fuming mad. Reason being, yours truly who had wanted to ‘try again’ bailed out for Saturday on which we’re supposed to go out just casually. Understood that work is work, but then I do wonder sometimes whether it’s really work or just an excuse. Oh boy I was mad really, and for a while thought why do I let myself get entangled in this nonsense. Here’s the excerpt

YT: … I hv to fly to perth on sat/sat
Me: Oh, so the we’re not going out on Sat? (which btw he asked me last Monday and since I kinda want to catch up with him, I’ve cleared out my calendar… which is not tat busy anyway)
YT: I know. I’m not looking forward to it.
Me: WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!! (silently)

Then after awhile I realize the reason I was fuming was because he wasn’t apologetic about bailing out. The emotion I felt was sort of familiar, I remember there was this time R bailed on me about half an hour before he’s supposed to come and he didn’t sound apologetic and it pushed me off the roof. I was so mad at him then, but of course like always we patched things up.

Well anyway I’m not going to waste my time analyzing anything and I’ll be damned if I waste anymore time writing about yours truly. I’m just venting out, I bloody hate it when people ermmm… I dunno the right word coz the only words in my mind are swearing words... mmm being bloody pricks???

If just

2007-12-16T18:21:00.000+07:00

If just it didn't rained today
Then i might not have felt so blue
And i wouldnt be thinking of you

If just i had kept myself busy
Then i might not have let my mind wander
And i wouldnt be wondering about you

If just i had never met you
Then i might had not felt this way
And wouldnt be missing you

Blardeee i hate it when i feel soppy. All will pass and time will heals but by jove i miss him badly today. I hate myself for missing him really.

window

2007-12-13T13:09:00.001+07:00

Someone once told me when a door closes a window would be open it's just sometimes one is to preoccupied with the closed door that one does not notice the open window....

Well now i'm on a stage where i'm gonna smash either the window or the door

Dateless for the Holiday

2007-12-11T08:10:00.000+07:00

Time is approaching to that season of the year when the suck ness of being a singleton intensified by a couple of notch. I love Christmas ever since I was a kid, but when I was a kid I have never known loneliness, real loneliness that is. I was part of a happy family, I still am I guess but I’m also slowly progressing toward Bridget Jones.

As I grow older and my siblings got married and have the whole works loneliness starts creeping bits by bits. You started to think ‘Oh I wish I have someone special I can share my Christmas’. I vaguely remember once I wrote that I never want anything fancy, but it’d be nice to have someone special to share my Christmas morning, and maybe a nice warm house with gingerbread aroma seeping from the kitchen (go search in the archive!).

Now, obviously it won’t happen for me this year, sharing Christmas morning with that special someone that is. It’s kind of suck I must admit. I mean like come on, if I said that I don’t need a relationship, that I don’t want any guy in my life, I’d be lying through my teeth. But then the fact is I don’t have any of the above, so what can I do?

So this Christmas, instead of waking up with someone special beside me, I’m flying down to Melbourne spending my Christmas holiday with old friends I have not seen for years. We’ll drive out to Yarra Valley spending a couple of nights at a beautiful winery spoiling ourselves silly with the wines, food and spa. And as a treat I will buy myself something very special for Christmas gift. Hey if I don’t have any guy to buy that special gift, I’ll have the next best thing which is buying it myself. And likewise yes spending Christmas at home with your loved one is probably cheaper than a blissful getaway, but hey it sure beats staying at home and torturing myself wishing I have someone. A girl gotta do wats a girl gotta do. Happy Holidays People!!

Calls II

2007-11-28T05:58:00.001+07:00

This is the second part of my story, which I took off but I’ve just reposted again. So following my message, a couple of missed calls and one liner emails, I decided to answer his call at the end of week. He said he’s very sorry and all, that work was simply overwhelming and he should try harder. In a nutshell of course then I forgave him and decide that I should just forget about everything that had happen and cut him some slack. The following week things are better though not really up to what I needed it to be. There were more calls and more emails, and he came home for weekend. The weekend was blissful and I thought that it was all worthed. We had a long talk and decide that we will make it work, that he’ll try harder to give me more attention and all. And I think of myself that I’ll be more patient and just let it flow. Come Monday, well let me just tell you I spend most of my Monday night and Tuesday night fuming and hating myself. And so even though I faltered the first time round I decide that as much as I want to be selfless, kind and understanding to him, at this stage my happiness comes first. Who’s going to love me and take care of my happiness if not myself. So for once and for all I broke off with him this morning. A part of me worried whether I make the right decision, because I do like him a lot and I do enjoy spending time with him very much, but the other part of me kept telling me that those enjoyments comes with too expensive price tag. And I still believe I deserve better than sorries that keep repeating themselves.

Calls

2007-11-28T05:58:00.000+07:00

Okay… now that I’ve finished my prolonged ‘blue’ mood its time to write about my romantic adventure or the lack of it. I guess as my chums would know ever since the ‘great break up’ I haven’t got any real relationship. Spent the time in Singapore being cynical towards anything related to relationship and having the greatest time in my life being a single gal with no burden, which of course translates to lots of shopping, dining out, booze, dancing, facials, massages, and lazy sunday in front of the TV.
Then a few months ago I met someone quite accidentally over the internet. Yes, I know what you’re thinking but hey it’s not like I planned it, and plus really these days internet has become an integrated networking means in our life. Anyway he seemed like a decent guy so we started emailing each other and all. To be bluntly honest I didn’t think much of it at that time since to me at the end of the day virtual is virtual.
So then I moved to Sydney two months ago and I hooked up with this guy for real as in flesh and blood. So we dated and along the way become sort of an item. Now looking back really it wasn’t the right time to embark on any relationship since I’ve just moved here, I was at loss, and I was lonely. But then I really did like this guy and somehow whenever I like someone my rationale always goes on a holiday.
So then, there I was in a relationship. Because I was in a situation where I myself was at loss (new place, new job, new everything within a week time) plus my rationale went on a holiday very soon I lost control of things. Instead of getting my stuff sorted out I would be crying because he didn’t call me. Or instead of going out building my new circle of friends I would be fervently waiting for a call that never happens. And instead of seeing things as it really are, I was alternating between convincing myself that all relationship needs work and convincing myself that he's not worth the pain.
So then after 2 months of a mix of great dates and sleepless nights I decide that I need to regain control and be realistic. Mind you, I did enjoy spending time with him, but then the ache inflicted from the no call no news days rather out weights it sadly. Not to mention the damage done to my sanity when I called him incessantly to no avail. I guess I’m partly to blame too, I mean why do I let myself got so bothered whether he calls me or not. Well I guess the answer to that is because despite how busy he was I wanted him to miss me as much as I missed him.
Hence a few days ago after a no news day and incessant unanswered called I left him a message in his voicemail that if he thinks that calling me is not important enough (a week and a half earlier he asked me to give him that one and a half week and he would give me more time after that, which I presume means taking 5 minutes from his busy day to call and let me know that he hasn’t forgot) and keeping a promise he made is too much hassle to him then might as well don’t ever calls me anymore. And no he didn’t try to reach me after that, I did receive one miss call and a one liner mentioning the weather and his whereabouts but nothing else. So I guess then that’s it, he’s simply not that into me (quoted from a book I read somewhere). Hence here I am now regaining control in my life, getting my life together (sorted out my banking stuff, insurance, etc which I did!!) and looking forward for what may come.
Oh oh… I almost forgot the best part, funny stories around this episode:
After being upset feeling neglected, went to the loo and let my tears streams down and sobbing for a few minutes. Wipe my tears open the door, loo and behold my boss is inside. Boy, talking about awkward moment.
Had one too many drink after work trying not to think about him, hop on to a bus home and I forgot him allrite. And I also forgot I was in a bus until I woke up from the ‘weird sound’ which turns out to be my snoring and found my face a bit damp from droll.
So anyway, yeah that’s my latest romantic adventure or misadventure written in the hope to amuse you and for your learning if you may. So for guys out there, trust me those 5 minutes calls everyday even at your busiest means a great deal. And really doing small gestures works wonder, girls these days doesn’t need a prince in shining armor to save them anymore but feeling wanted is one thing that all girls still needs.

Clingy

2007-10-29T13:17:00.000+07:00

Again I’m stealing time… but then again it’s almost knock off time and I’ve exhaust my brain for the day, so I figure I’ll recharge myself by writing something.

A few days ago a good friend of mine had confided about her relationship. It wasn’t such a big thing but it had gotten us to start a very interesting conversation about “How clingy is clingy?” In a nutshell her boyfriend felt that she was too clingy and not giving him the space he needed. It came as a surprise to her since she felt that she had given him ample room and she didn’t feel that she was clingy at all.

To me it sounds really familiar, as a renowned drama queen my exes would happily testify about my clingy-ness and my over analyzing. But of course the question is what is considered as being too clingy? Does expecting a call at least once a day is considered as clingy while you’re apart? Or is one call a day Ok but expecting a call every morning and night is clingy? If you ask me, a call every morning and night is still Ok even when you’re busy. But then again of course I’m a girl and I like receiving those ‘no reason’ phone calls. I guess it’s flattering to know that someone is thinking of you even at his busiest time. After all what’s a 3 minutes call? A mere sms or a 3 minutes call only takes a tiny fraction of one’s time. Hey if it’s me I would spare 3 minutes to sms even at my busiest time I mean one would still need a break and sms ing someone I like is a good enough break for me.

Buuttt, the flaw of this argument is that again I’m not a guy. All guidebooks would tell you that guys doesn’t function the same way as girls are (believe me, I read tons of those books). Basic example generally guys are known to be poor multi taskers and girls can do 3 things in one time. So just because I would happily sms someone I like during my break it doesn’t mean it can be applied to a guy. Don’t ask me what a guy will think about this. Whether like me he’d also feel that sms ing someone he likes is as good break as anything or he prefer not to be distracted at all. I’m not a guy after all, but I guess the message is that we are just different creatures. Hence to answer the question of how clingy is clingy, well I guess you and your partner have to works it out since no same formula can be applied.

Oh one last thing don’t trust my word too much ok, since you who know me would know already I’m hopeless in relationship department. I just hope Mr.W doesn’t read this, or if you do… no it’s not about us babe, but if you want to call me more often I’d be happy to receive your calls hohohohoho….

Prickly

2007-10-24T10:52:00.001+07:00

Again I’m stealing time since I need to vent out my soul and I guess it’s easier to just write about it instead of whining to a friend given the circumstances (read: outlook is being stupid n in new job so cannot make personal calls).
For my closer people I guess as everyone you all know I have finally moved to Sydney and with flying colors. I manage to sort out my stuff in Singapore get a job here in less than a week and I guess more or less get myself settled here.
I guess it’s not so much of a big deal for most people, I mean people do move around and it’s not like I’m moving to some God’s forsaken land. But anyhow I guess somehow I’m drained now. The last couple of years has been a whirlwind affair packed with lessons learn, heartache, development, basically everything. Now I’m not asking for muffin basket or anything, but oh please give me a break. I’m sorry to be such a whiner, but I’ve gone through enough stuff for now at least. All the while I’ve been marching along since I know that everything were temporary, the happiness, the sadness. But I guess now I’m in a stage where I don’t really have the energy to march anymore and I just want to sit still for a while till I can muster some energy.
So yeah like I said, I’m not asking for muffin basket, but please give me a break and appreciate what I have gone through and came out from. Let me tell you it wasn’t such an easy ride. So if I hear one more word about me being a slacker and about me should start taking charge of my life, I swear I would strangle you. I swear I would let the nasty me come out and tear you to pieces, bits by bits !!

B...

2007-10-18T14:05:00.001+07:00

I’m stealing time to write today because my B just lost her grandfather after a long battle with his illness. One should think by this time I’m used to this already considering there had been quite a number of losses among my closest people. Yet whenever it happens I cannot help not to feel for those who just lost their loved ones. I’m sad that B is experiencing this loss, but more than that I felt sorry that I’m so far away that I could not do much for her.

When my dad passed away B was a tower of strength and she had showered so much attention to me and my family by doing little things like showing up to my place every day bringing little treats. I will always love her for that and for a lot of other things. As much as I like my independence and freedom living away from home at times like this I regret of moving away.

Sunday blues

2007-10-14T17:49:00.000+07:00

I feel so blue i dunno wat to do... I guess i might resolve in moping a while later. I hate it when one of those blue mood hits you like a thunder and u feel so resolutely blue and all u want to do is moping. Missing Singapore...

My Boss up there & His kindness

2007-10-14T15:00:00.000+07:00

I had wanted to write a long and emotionally charged piece about how God have always takes care of me and once again He has shown His greatness in my life. But then again i decide it's not really me to write a ' Religious Testimonial' especially a long one. So then i decide to just do a short one about how the Guy up there have very kindly worked things out for me.

I came back to OZ a couple of weeks ago rather worried about getting a job here, mainly because the last time i tried to find a job in OZ i ended up becoming unemployed for 6 months on which my faith was tested so badly. If you're so idle, you can read abt it somewhere in the archive i guess. So i kinda told the Guy up there to be nice to me this time since i've been thru a lot the last couple of years. As always the never ending negotiation with Him n convince Him to make my plan His plan.

So anyway, guess what i've managed to secure a job within the first week i arrived and a not so bad job either !! And the interview process n all happened in a day. So yeah i was quite a lucky bastard and of course my Man up there must hv clock in some extra hours to made this happen for me. So yeah You rock man !!

25th August 2005 - 25th August 2007

2007-08-28T16:13:00.000+07:00

Last Saturday was my dad’s 2nd year death anniversary. Time does fly really. In my head it was like yesterday, the nightmare still vividly etched in my mind. The bewilderment, the lost feeling, and the pain. It felt like there was a huge stone slowly descending to your chest. Your heart was crushed little by little, the muscles contracting as if trying to fight the pressing movement of the stone. Soon you would be gasping for air. You face would start turning blue and the world was turning dark.

That’s how I felt at that time the minute I heard the news. Now two years pass sometimes I still feel it. Despite all my bravado, my faith that it’s all for the best, and my most positive-ness, there will always be days when I miss him so badly. I went to church and my heart crunch for missing him so much. There was this invisible being who twist my heart squeezing the life out of me and at that precise moment I felt this enormous anguish I couldn’t help crying.

For the whole hour I kept bargaining with God to free my dad from purgatory. When he passed away, it happened so quick that he didn’t have time to receive the last rite sacrament. This had been weighing on my mum so much being a devout that she is. I remember about half a year after my dad passed away I went to a trip to Israel. I never actually said it before but the reason I choose Israel is so that I can bargain with God to let my dad free from purgatory. When I was in Jesus’ tomb I asked for a mass for my dad hoping that it would hold more appeal to God, it was the holiest place after all. I stuck little notes on the Wailing Wall proposing my bargain with God. I lighted candles in Bethlehem hoping it would carry my prayer about freeing my dad from purgatory. I stare at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus made his miracles and pleading to God to free my dad. Everywhere I went I incessantly praying, pleading, demanding, and reasoning to God so my dad can be exempted from the fire of purgatory. And now two years afterwards, I still continue my campaign for my dad. So God, please consider my proposal and really wouldn’t it be easier to just grant me this wish so that you don’t have to be bothered with my nagging?

If tomorrow never comes

2007-08-15T13:35:00.000+07:00

Read a friend’s blog who had just put up the lyric of ‘If tomorrow never comes’. I never really liked the song much, since I always thought it was on the cheesy side. But reading it I somehow feel touched. Though to be fair I’ve been on mellow mood the last couple of days and with good biological reason too.

Anyway, the bit that really touched me is

“And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last??”

I thought it was really sweet that when faced with the idea of passing away he didn’t think about how much he was going to miss her, but he was more worried about whether she’ll survive it. I guess when you love someone so much you’ll put her well being above yours.

I remember when my dad passed away, my mum told me that she’s sorry that I have to go through it. She’s sorry that I had to lose my dad all over again and she hope that I’ll be okay. Looking back, it showed how much she loved me when she said that. When she had just lost her dream of spending her old age with her husband, losing her lifelong companion, she worried about me. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she felt sorry for me. Frankly speaking i imagine that it was a bigger lost for her than for me considering the fact that they were together almost 24x7 and practically breathing the same air all the time. Yet my mum worried about me. And i'm sure when he was passing away my dad would probably thinking about how his family would survive it, though i didn't think that he'd doubt tat we would survive.

If I have half the capacity of my parents to love, I’d be a lucky person seriously.

Life

2007-07-25T15:49:00.000+07:00

Just read a piece about Belinda Emmet, an Australian actress & wife of Rove McManus. I vaguely remembered her from some old local series and of course from the tabloids. Anyway, she had lost her life to cancer about a year ago. Reading testimonies from her family and friends makes me realize that in life it’s never about the destination but always about the journey. It does not matter that she did not have the luxury of growing old like most of us will, because somehow in her short life she had made it worth living. Spread as much love to her loved ones, be happy despite all misgivings, and most of all simply love her life. Easier said than done, of course.

There are times in my life, a lot actually when I simply feel down and the nasty self pity virus creeping into my soul. Those days when you just feel that everything are blue, and your lips refuses to smile. Days when you sit on the couch, staring blankly at the TV and before you know it tears trickles down your cheek. Days when not even storewide sale perks up your desire to burn money you don’t have. Days when chocolate fudge ben n jerry’s does not tempt your taste buds at all, though it’s good for your waistline it’s not good for your moral really. Yeah, I’ve had those days more often that I should be actually.

Reading that piece about Belinda reminds me of how much life has to offer really. If just I can shake off those negativity dust whose life purpose seems to be making me miserable. When I was a child whenever I felt upset I will hide in my closet. I will sit inside the dark closet among the hanging clothes, shutting the world out. At times I can stay there for hours and fall asleep curled up with clothes strewn all over me. Always my nanny will pick me out and lay me on my bed. I would wake up the next day in my bed and not a word ever being said, she would just let me be. Even during bleak time somehow there will be someone something that will remind me of how lucky I was.

Please Baby Don't- Sergio Mendez, John Legend

2007-07-25T10:17:00.000+07:00

Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
See honey I (honey I)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

I've been cruisin down this road for a while now,
I should tell the truth...
Girl you've been so good to me but I know
I'm no good for you
You should run while you can
Find yourself a better man
'Cause I'm known for brief romance
And breakin hearts across the land

Yes I've been known to have a few temptations
Out there on the road
And let's say hypothetically I've slipped and
Took a couple home
Girl I know that's not fair
You need someone who'll be there
So just get away before it's too late
and you're pain is too much to bear

......

Now on second thought maybe we'll give
This love another try'
Cause I can't see you with no one else
I'm selfish I can't lie
So let's go, let's go slow
You know all you need to know
It could end one day but
Let's just say we'll see how far it goes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am listening to this song now and i must say i like it a lot. Was telling my friend about this song and she said this is how bastards gets the nice girls... he he he

Time is Running Out - Muse

2007-07-24T09:27:00.000+07:00

think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
I wanted freedombound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted
now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me
bury itI won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?ooooohh
you will suck the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh

Dawn

2007-07-23T23:45:00.000+07:00

As she held her gaze steady looking right through the fog. She knew then, she knew. It will not be too long anymore. Soon the sun will rise and her waiting will be over.

She wraps her hands around her chest, fighting away the chill pre dawn air. Her mind wanders like it always do. Her breathing quiet and regulated. Her busom going up and down. And her minds wanders even more.

Outside the sky is dark. Below on the street the milk cart rattled delivering white bottles of cow's goodness. Murky oil lamps shimmers among the fog. Policeman doing his rounds and fighting of cold with a flask of cognac.

She turns her head from the window. Her bed neat and untouched. Starched sheets and quilted patchwork free of wrinkles. Withering roses of yesterday yellowing in painted white vase. She summon her mind back from wandering. Always the wanderer her mind is.

Golden rays starts to shine out far away in the east. Lights begin to shine out from windows across the street. Crystal morning dew necklace forming on the spider web just below the railing. Oh so pretty she thoughts.

Another night. Another dawn. Another day. A sleepless night has passed. A sleepless night without her beloved.

Happy Birthday

2007-07-06T12:47:00.000+07:00

Last Wednesday was my mum’s birthday. I asked B to help me buy some orchids for her and send it to her place. My ever so helpful B had initiatively pulled out poem which I have now idea where and attached it to the orchids…
Superbly corny & cheesy, and both B & I did have a good laugh at it but then somehow the more we laugh about it the more I realize that I do meant most of it, if just I can put it in a less cheesy way… sigh
Mom, you're a wonderful mother,

So gentle, yet so strong.

The many ways you show you care

Always make me feel I belong.

You're patient when I'm foolish;

You give guidance when I ask;

It seems you can do most anything;

You're the master of every task.

You're a dependable source of comfort;

You're my cushion when I fall.

You help in times of trouble;

You support me whenever I call.

I love you more than I can express;

You have my total respect.

If I had my choice of mothers,

You'd be the one I'd select!

Happy Birthday Mom..

Love,
Monika

Orgasmic Experience

2007-06-30T22:21:00.000+07:00

Whenever i read food review that calls a meal or any sort of eating activity as an orgasmic experience i have always thinks of it as an exageration, until today.

I went to have dinner at Mackenzie Rex down in Selegie road with my partner in crime R. Had cereal prawn which i have been craving for since afternoon along with wrapped chicken and a tofu claypot. I have eaten there a couple of times before, and although i've thought of it as one of the better place i didn't think of it as a special place.

Maybe because i was starving or maybe simply because i have been craving for cereal prawn, but as i started eating i began to sweat though none of the food was anywhere spicy nor the place was hot. As the dinner progress somehow i felt that it was just me and my food and nothing else exist in the world... yes, yes i know it's glutton. I slowly work my way on the prawn cereals, peeling of the crispy cereal bits from the shells, sucking off the morsels in prawn head, and happily chewing the prawn meat lathered in cereals.

Before i knew it I was sweating like no one's business. Seriously i was drenched and sweat actually trickles from my forehead, and the strangest thing is the place was quite cooling and i wasn't having any chili nor anything hot at all. By the time i finish my meal, I've felt strangely elated and happy. I sat there contented and i smile.

My orgasmic experience, and now a good few hours after dinner I'm still smiling.

Doa

2007-06-21T15:41:00.000+07:00

Tuhan,
tolong beri aku sedikit cahaya
supaya aku tidak tersesat dalam jalanku
tolong beri aku sedikit tumpuan
supaya aku tidak terseok seok dalam meniti
tolong beri aku kesabaran
supaya aku tidak terjatuh dalam ketergesaanku
tolong beri aku kepercayaan
supaya aku tidak putus asa dalam pencarianku

Foxy

2007-06-13T23:41:00.001+07:00

I once had a mini collie named Foxy. A bundle of excess energy and endless mischief who always get himself in trouble especially with my dad. A sneaky little creature who somehow always manage to let himself free whenever he was put in a cage or tied up in a pole to pay for his penitence. Whose life purpose is to destroy things and testing people patience. But when he sit still and dozing never have I seen more beautiful creature than he was. The sleek face, wide eye but slanted, his upturned ear and his soft long brown and white mane. When he slept at the corner of my bedspread he always looked so peaceful and angelic one would not imagine he was the same dog barking like mad at no one and happily sashaying in the rooftop breaking the roof tiles. One would not guess that the dog who had caught a mouse and played with it’s remnants is the same dog that gracefully raise his paw to my palm.
In the end I began to be busy and started to neglect him. Soon he became just a nuisance and I cannot see the beautiful creature in him that I used to see. I cease to play with him, I stop letting him sleep in my room, and I started to forget him. But when he began to grow old and ill ridden I realize how much I love that dog. And when he passed away and I wasn’t around I went to my bathroom and started to cry quietly. I cried for hours and the grief didn’t left me for days. I cried for that dog much more than when some other people in my life passed away. I was mourning for this being who had loved me unconditionally even when I neglected and forgot him.

Never My Love -Astrud Gilberto

2007-06-01T11:46:00.000+07:00

You ask me if there'll come a time
when I grow tired of you;
never my love, never my love.

You wonder if this heart of mine
will lose its desire for you;
never my love,never my love.

What makes you think love will end
when you know that my whole life
depends on you?

You say you fear I'll change my mind
I won't require you,
Never my love,never my love.

How can you think love will end
when I've asked you to spend your
whole life with me?

So vry addicted to this song

$#@&

2007-03-29T22:09:00.000+07:00

I'm just so freaking tired... I just want to lay my head somewhere... and the worst thing is at the end of the day you know the only one you can rely to support your head is your own neck.

damn guilty

2007-03-27T21:05:00.001+07:00

I have spent the day fuming about not getting any holiday in place for easter, because i was a day shy and now everything are fully booked. I went from mad, upset, and dissapointedly resigned to the fact that i'd most probably do the same boring thing again.

Was keeping quiet and silently curse the world of never letting me get the small things that i wanted like a stupid measly holiday. I was so absorbed in hating my impatience, myself and basically hating the world. Then as i was standing there pitying myself, an old man came by rummaging the trash can in front of me and as it turns out he's collecting cigarette buts that still have one or two drags left for him to satisfy his nicotine craving.

Who am i to hate the world ?????? If either one of us has the better reason to hate it, it's gotta be that old man. And from the look of it he seemed pretty damn happy. I curse myself for being ungrateful sodding being.

damn guilty

2007-03-27T21:05:00.000+07:00

Academy Award Morning

2007-02-26T13:34:00.001+07:00

I had spent the morning frantically reading updates about the academy award and half cursing myself for not taking my notebook home last Friday which renders me to be unable to work from home and watching Academy Award at the same time this morning.
It began quite splendidly; Pan’s Labyrinth scores 2 awards for art direction & cinematography… I enjoyed that movie so I’m happy it won… Then Happy Feet won best featured animation film… Yaayyy… I cried when I saw that movie… And Alan Arkin won best supporting role for Little Miss Sunshine… YAAAYYY… it’s a good omen for my favorite movie of the year….finger cross… Then Jennifer Hudson won best supporting actress for Dreamgirls… yaayyy again… I thought the movie lack of that oomph factor but I like her, plus what a great success story from idol reject to Oscar winner… if only to snub the idol winners, and judges while you're at it… And Little Miss Sunshine won best original screenplay… double YAAYYY… come on you got it baby… well under way to the final glory of winning best motion picture… Then Helen Mirren won best leading role for The Queen… Yaaayyyy… I like the movie and I love her queen… Forest Whitaker won the leading role actor for The last king of Scotland… well I haven’t watched the movie and I dun have any favorite for this category so…. Good on ya mate … Excited… excited … Then the news come down… The departed won for best motion picture…. Arggghhhhhhhhh…… Boohoo.…. Its little miss sunshine’s little gold man., give it back… not you… not the departed… At least let The Queen win… Not some freaking remake of a hongkie movie, which btw is better than the remake…. Arghhhh… There goes my beautiful morning.

Happy Birthday...

2007-01-31T22:02:00.000+07:00

Today is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 75 today had he been around. I guess age doesn’t really matter to him anymore now that he’s happily enjoying his eternal life. I cannot help to feel that this is still that special day that we would celebrate. Funnily enough unintentionally I had fried noodle during lunchtime and I didn’t even realize that today is his birthday.
Papap if you are around you’re probably eating your ice cream cake as we speak. The one with fruit cocktail ice cream and without any cake just layers of your favorite ice cream hand made courtesy of your sister, my ice cream auntie. You would have spent the morning playing golf being it a Wednesday, and you’d probably brought little treats for your golfing pals. The afternoon would have been spent at home with your grandchildren bringing you cards they made themselves, and by evening we all would probably eat your favorite soto.
Papap life goes on for the rest of us. You’d be so proud with your newest little grand daughter. As for us, the kids who aren’t exactly kids anymore but will always be kids in your eyes, well life has been kind to us I guess. I’m still as lost as ever, but still manage to slowly creeping to the whatever my destiny is. In other word… yes, I’m still working! And no I’m not bumming! Though sadly to say your hope of me settling down is still rather, well obscure… I still don’t know where I want to live and start building my life. But don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ll sort it out soon I guess… J
Papap wonder whether you’re happy over there… Well you better jolly be happy since losing you wasn’t quite a walk in the park and it’s definitely is not worth it if you’re not happy. And you better enjoy your birthday over there, because not being able to celebrate it with you is kinda suck. Sigh, I’m sorry I’m ranting… I guess I just miss you. Miss your wrinkly skin, miss your laughter, miss your words of wisdom and most of all… I miss munching chips in front of the TV with you.

Corniest poem of All

2007-01-22T22:36:00.000+07:00

Don' wipe my tears when i cried
Just lend me your time to see me cry
So i know i'm not crying by myself

Don't make my life right when it's screwed
Just give me a little encouragement
So i know it's still worthed

Don't try to heal me when i'm hurting
Just lend me your shoulder to lean on
So i know i have a rope to hang on

Don't try to guide me when i'm lost
Just ride with me and lend me your map
So i know it's my way

Chappatis

2007-01-19T16:42:00.000+07:00

I made my first chappatis yesterday... yayyy...
surprisingly easy... it wasn't quite there yet but it wun
take more than a few more rounds of dough making...

Times like this i wish i have a camera... huhuhuh

Only Love - Nana Muskouri

2007-01-16T23:00:00.000+07:00

Only love can make a memory.
Only love can make a moment last.
You were there and all the world was youngand all it's songs unsung.
and I remember you then,
when love was all,
all you were living for,
and how you gave that love to me.
Only then I felt my heart was free.
I was part of you and you were all of me.
Warm were the days and the nightsof those years.
Painted in colors to outshine the sun.
All of the words and the dreamsand the tears live in my remembrance.
Only love can make a memory.
Only love can make a moment last.
Life was new, there was a rage to live,
each day a page to live,and I remember you then,
when love was all, all you were living forand how you gave that love to me
Only then I knew my heart was free.
I was part of you and you were all of me.

Cheezy but i dun care i love this song

Ibu ku

2007-01-16T22:49:00.000+07:00

Ibu ku tidak suka memasak, dia juga tidak suka bersih bersih. Biasanya dia selalu menyuruh pembantunya untuk melakukan semua pekerjaan rumah. Dia juga kadang kadang suka tidak sabaran dan marah marah. Dia juga sering kali menganggap aku seperti anak kecil dan terlihat ingin mengontrol hidupku.

Tapi aku bangga sama ibuku karena:
1. Walaupun dia menangis, dia selalu tabah dan selalu yakin bahwa semua akan berlalu dan segala sesuatu akan menjadi indah di saat waktunya. Ketika ayahku meninggal dia tetap menjalani hidupnya seperti normal. Walaupun dia jadi susah tidur, setiap hari dia tetap bangun pagi dan ke gereja. Dia tetap berkarya dan tetap rajin membantu orang orang.

2. Walaupun dia kesepian dia tidak mengijinkan aku untuk merubah hidupku untuknya. Ketika aku ingin pindah ke luar negri, dia menyemangati aku dan membantu aku dalam segala hal, padahal pada saat itu dia pasti membutuhkan aku untuk ada di dekatnya untuk mengobati kesepiannya.

3. Walaupun dulu dia memiliki kesempatan bagus untuk membangun karirnya, dia memilih untuk menjadi ibu rumah tangga, karena dia tahu itu yang ayahku inginkan dan yang anak anaknya butuhkan.

4. Walaupun aku suka tidak sabaran sama dia dan terkadang jahat dia tetap selalu sabar menungguku untuk berubah. Dia selalu mengerti keadaanku, bahkan sebelum aku mengerti.

5. Walaupun dia pelit dan jarang membeli barang barang bagus untuk dirinya, dia selalu dengan mudah meminjamkan uang ke orang lain. Pada waktu penyewa rumahnya tidak punya uang untuk membayar sewaan dia tidak sampai hati untuk menagih dan membiarkan dia tetap tinggal walaupun sudah menunggak berbulan bulan.

Loo

2007-01-11T21:33:00.000+07:00

Mmm... i feel like these days my soul has grown numb... I never have the urge to write and pour my soul out anymore. My journal pages have been left blank for ages, and no more tear stained writings anymore. I've ceased to be emotial wreck... or so i thought...

Today in the office, as always i did my 'business' as nature calls, and not having any reading materials around i relented to busy myself with my phone (non vibrating mode of course - u dirty s**t :P) Flick my old messeges, then my image gallery... Flicking until i came across some old snapshots taken when i had just got that phone... Yeah i look a tad bit younger, better complexion, and i dunno fresher i guess... Then there it was a picture of me any my dad. Taken when i just had that phone, our first phone camera experience...

And i cried for a minute, there and then just as flushes heard from the other cubicles tears also trickles down my cheeck as i relived that evening in front of the TV. Me and my dad and my then new phone.

The movie reel in my head finish. Wiped my tears, flushed the toilet, wash my hand, and i walked out the loo smiling to colleagues i met on the way to my project meeting that afternoon.

2007

2007-01-06T23:27:00.000+07:00

Another new year… yes, yes this is also another boring new year recollection and resolution. But hey, this is my blog and where else would I write my sorry piece if not on my sorry blog.
Okeih… let’s see what had been happening in my life during 2006 apart from the obvious like changing jobs, changing geographic location, changing friendster relationship status. Just a quick recap if you haven’t been following my blog (and may I ask why?), I started the year living in Indonesia working for an insurance company and happily or not too happily immerse in a long distance couple hood. Fast forward a few months I was still living in Indonesia but minus my job and my couple hood. After a spell in middle east, I moved to Singapore in the pursuit of both my career advancement and my ex. Cut story short, I got myself a job which I actually enjoy, I’ve gave up my ex, and now just living my life by ear.
Now, lets get down to the main course. What did the year taught me? I’ve spent a good part of my adult life searching for Mr. Right, and even at the stage that I know that it’s not quite right I still refuse to budge. Truly I was an obsessed woman, obsessed of making my relationship work. May I remind you, I’m that woman who resigned moved to another country only to seek confirmation that my relationship was well and truly over. The good things about the experience are:
It makes me realize that I have the ability of doing things all the way and not just do things halfway. Well of course unfortunately the ‘thing’ wasn’t really appropriate.
There are too many uncertainties in relationship department that in some cases no matter how much you push for it a good chance that it will still not work out. So consequently you should not plan your life around this particular sector.
Work is actually a sector in your life that can be most rewarding and to some extend has less uncertainty. Hence planning your life around this particular sector is wiser than the above.
Most important of all truly believe the saying ‘whenever a door closed, a window opened.’ For me, my obsession with relationship is my door and my newfound interest in my career is my newly fitted window.
So yeah, I’ve learned to accept things that I cannot change (read: cannot force relationship) and change things I can change (read: work hard for career). Never be afraid of changes because you simply will never know what is stored for you unless you try it. I moved across the ocean for something so uncertain I sometime still kick myself for it and in return I actually found something I didn’t think I will ever have…contentment.

Daddy

2006-11-16T23:26:00.000+07:00

I miss my dad... No...no... this is not a sad piece where i will lament how i loss him and how painful it is not having him around. I'm not missing him in the sad teary way. I'm missing him in a grateful way. U know, because i've had a bundle of good memories. The story was, i tried to fix up my toilet yesterday put in some sealant to fill in the gaps and all. It was a miserable job, and on a split second i had thought about calling my dad, because that was wat i always did. Whenever i need to fix things around the house, i'd always ended up calling him and he always knew what to do. How to fix leaking tap, how to install new phone line, how to add extra light fixture. My ever handy dad, who never fails to fix things but always fails to train his hopelessly clumsy children. Please send miracle and fix my toilet daddy, and my air con while u're at it.

Smile

2006-11-10T23:33:00.000+07:00

Okayyy... if i smile this would not be too bad....
Sigh... i know living is hard...
but i i just smile then it'll just be a lil bit better
Darn... i feel like crying though
I have to smile... smile....
Orrbbb.... but i feel like tearing my hair out already
Come.. come now.... calm down... and smile
Yeah... lets smile
Smile smile smile...
Shall f*****g smile...
*grinning* *grinning*

Ps: actually it does works...

'Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile'
-Madeleine Peyroux Album-

Percakapan dengan Tuhan II

2006-10-01T23:07:00.000+07:00

Me: Psst...psst
B : Ya ampun Mon, jam segini gak mau tidur apah?
Me : Bos, bos... aku tadi ke gereja
B : Hee, iyah Bos tau. Terima kasih yah, kamu kangen juga sama Bos
Me: Iyah, hehehe... Bos aku juga mau bilang terima kasih.
B: Koq tumben kamu?
Me: Iyah, ma kasih Bos selalu sayang aku, dan semuanya Bos urusin. Soal aku, mamah, temen temenku, semuanya...
B: Mon, makanya jangan suka bikin dosa yah, supaya engga nyusah nyusahin Bos...

Percakapan dengan Tuhan

2006-09-23T23:49:00.000+07:00

m: Bos... bos lagi sibuk gak?
T: yaaa... kenapa mon? Lagi sedih ya? koq manggil manggil...
m: engga sih, tapih pengen nanya
T: mau tanya apa memangnya? tanya lah
m: Bos, kenapa yah aku belakangan ini males ke gereja. Kayanya setiap kali mau ke gereja
pasti ada aja alesan...
T: loh koq nanyanya ke Saya sih? Itu kan mestinya kamu sendiri yang tau sih.
m: Ya iya sih, tapi kan aku ke gereja untuk nemuin Bos. Buat menjalanin ibadah seperti yang bos mau.
T: Mon, walaupun kamu adalah putriku yang gak terlalu pintar mestinya kamu tau dong bahwa
Saya tidak pernah memaksa kamu untuk melalukan apapun. Bahwa Saya pengen kamu ke gereja setidaknya hari minggu, iyah itu benar. Tapi itu terserah kamu mau pergi apa tidak.
m: engg, jadi bos engga marah kalo aku engga ke gereja?
T: Mon, coba pikir sebetulnya gereja itu apa?
m: emm, rumah Tuhan.
T: kamu kalo pulang ke rumah kenapa?
m: yah karena cape, pengen istirahat, pengen ketemu orang rumah, yah karena itu rumahku.
T: Nah, sama dong karena kamu tuh anakKu, by deduction gereja itu adalah rumah kamu. Pulanglah kalo kamu lelah, kalau kamu kangen Aku, atau yah kalau kamu merasa kamu masih butuh ketemu Aku. Semua itu adalah pilihan mon. Tapi ingat sampai kapan pun kamu akan selalu disambut di rumahKu.
m: Bos... maafin aku yah....

Terima Kasih

2006-09-21T22:31:00.000+07:00

Ini norak dan cengeng
layaknya kartu ucapan murahan
namun di pikiranku selalu mendengung dengung
Jadi maaf dan biarkan saya mengungkapkan

Terima kasih nyet
karena kalian aku bisa bahagia sekarang
melewati masa masa engga banget
dikala kalian sabar ketika aku meraung

Mulai dari lindung cah fumak
sampai chili crab
Dari mata sembab
sampai racauan yang enggak

Aduh jangan mulai mencibir
Sungguh saya tidak berlebihan
Saya hanya bersyukur
dan saya sayang kalian

Ps: Jangan terlalu ge er yah... tapi mwah buat semua yang berasa...=)

Requiescat in Pace

2006-09-15T23:09:00.000+07:00

As a great believer that happiness is how you percieve your life (my own phrase btw), i believe that in every sad stories hides funny stories, it's just a matter of looking for them. Just like how funny things actually happened during my 'greatest' ordeal namely my break up, funny things had also happened during the other 'greatest' ordeal i had during the last year namely my dad's death. Well yes it was a year ago, but hey better late than never right? It's been quite a while so even though the feeling is still familiar the occurence has become a bit blur, but i'm sure there were some laugh being shared then.

The first one was at the crematorium. While waiting for my father being cremated, the rest of us was lounging, chatting, remembering my dad, and basically just doing nothing. Then i begin to feel a bit stomach achey, and i decide to visit the loo. The stomach ache is growing but it did not seem to want to relieve itself. 5 minutes pass, 10 minutes pass, 15 minutes pass and i'm still in the loo trying to relieve myself to no avail. Sweating in the loo i overheard my brother asking my then boyfriend where i was, and he told him that i was in the loo. Then i heard my brother laugh, mind you i don't know why but he always find that number 2 is a funny business. 20 minutes pass, 30 minutes pass, and i overheard my sister waking up my then boyfriend who had dozed off while waiting for me. She then went into the loo knocking at my door, and before i know it there had got to be about 5 of my siblings, in laws, and cousins in the loo crowding at my door. Yes, they were only checking whether i was allright, but by jove i can hear their giggling and traces of amusement on their voice. And to this day whenever we visit papa, my brother still likes to reminds me of my stint at the crematorium's loo. Making my ex fall asleep while i'm relieving myself.

The second funny thing was at dinner post funeral. We all gathered at home and had leftovers. Among the many leftovers there was 'saren' a sort of traditional dish. Realising that my ex never tried it, i force him to have it. Being a good sport he comply, and start eating it. He said that it taste a bit funny, and i told him that it's supposed to taste like that. Being a good sport, he accepted my explanation and finish his piece. My brother then also took a piece. As we chat he took a bite, chew it, then spat it exclaiming that it was spoiled. I then took a tiny bit, and yes it was spoiled.

The third funny thing was during one of our visit to papa's columbarium. As usual we will have a short prayer, and on that day i was given the task to read the reading. I mixed up 'keledai' which means donkey and 'kedelai' which means soy, i started to giggle, and couldn't continue to read, so then my sister take over, but being a giggly person herself soon she found herself giggling uncontrollably and stopped reading. My mum then take over and continue reading, buuuttt... maybe feeling like she was with a bunch of giggly school girls she unconciously assume that kinder schoolchildren tone, and it also doesn't help that the she change the reading to her preference. So instead of 50 sheeps, she said 70 sheeps, and things like that. The crunch of course when she got to the end of the reading and goes".... so theeen, theyyy aaaallll dddiiieee"

and my sister bursts out laughing, and soon all of us were pealed with laughter. And i'm jolly sure that up there my dad was shaking his head wondering how did he ended up raising a bunch of clowns.

Jumat

2006-09-15T22:12:00.000+07:00

Hari jumat....
Membuat hatiku gembira
Lupa akan semua penat
bekerja malas tak terkira

Akhir pekan
Lega bisa bermalas malasan
Tidur hingga matahari bersinar terik
Tanpa weker yang berderik

Life & all

2006-09-12T21:20:00.000+07:00

Life is like a code with endless if statements and loops... err okay tat sounds really geeky...
mind you i am NOT a GEEK... NOR am i a NERD... but i just like to rationalize things...
Say from the day you are born and pooped out from your mother's womb u were faced with your first if statement
if (you breath)
then (you live)
if (you live)
then...
else (you die)

You know what i mean? Each tiny decisions that you make is an if statement that will lead you
to another inner if statement, and it just go on and on and on... till of course at one if statement
you decide to die...

The reason i'm pointing out this fact? Well honestly i jolly dun know... Just trying to put life in an explainable form i guess....

no title... from my journal

2006-09-02T22:09:00.000+07:00

It has been a week and a year ago that papa passed away, silently and discretly. Was he in pain? Was he scared? I would never know. Maybe he was glad. Glad to be free of all the world's tiddlings. And life goes on for the rest of us continuing to deal with every little tiddlings the world has to offer. Days still come and go, life change, people change, and the world still turns.

Am i sad? No, strangely i am not. Do small things still reminds me of him? Yes, no doubt. When i see wrinkled skin of an unknown old uncle in the hawker center my heart stirs and i think of papa's wrinkly dry skin. Do i still dream of him? No, not really. Other things occupies my dream, other people, other stories, other aches. Do i still wish him to be around? No, not quite. Whats the point of wishful thinking anyway what's done is done. Do i still love him? Yes, very much so. Even more than ever, i guess it's true what people said about you'll never know the value until it's gone. Do i miss him? No, i try not to. After all missing is for something you have lost, and i have not lost him, how could i? When he's in the very air i breath in every second. Lastly do i still talk to him? Yes, every day, in my prayers and in my heart.

Godspeed Papa.

Love'

pink pink

Rain

2006-08-30T20:11:00.000+07:00

Today is one of the most pleasant days...
Was pouring rain since lunchtime, and still pouring rain when i get out from the mrt. Thunder, wind, the whole enchilada... Wuzz...wuzz... lightning... Walked in the rain, and i remember how nice it is... rainwater drenching your clothes, wind against your face, and the occasional thunders that make you heart skipped... Happily i walked slowly and let myself soaked and my mind anticipating a nice hot shower and nice hot bowl of soup... Happy happy day

Silly

2006-08-04T22:35:00.000+07:00

Sale at the mall...
How could i resist
Though my saving is growing small
Unwise decision said my friend the economist

A good chili crab dinner...
How could i refuse
Though my pants is growing tighter
And my friend the nutritionist scorn any excuse

Women like to be hurt

2006-07-08T00:03:00.000+07:00

A week ago, whilst having dinner with a friend we got on to talking about relationship. Well actually it started out with me whining about how some of the things that happen with my ex felt a bit painful. To put it bluntly, that even though we are not in a relationship anymore I still feel hurt by some of the things that my ex do.
Then, while watching the sushi moving on the conveyor belt, he plainly said that my case is ordinary, and the problem simply that, ‘I, like many other girls, like to be hurt’. For a moment I thought he had one too many raw fish and worm has gotten into his head.
Then he continued saying that there are numerous cases of girls staying in an abusive relationship, loveless marriage, and even being physically abused. And even as for me, it wasn’t the first time I whined to him, and yet I still linger and come up with new stories.
His point was, if it was painful then why hung around and willingly exposed to be hurt again? And you know what? I guess my friend was right. I don’t know why I hung around. As embarrassing as it is to admit, there were a number of occasions when I asked my ex to go out even though I know most likely he’ll say that he’s busy doing god’s know what, and every time I’d feel slightly upset, but yet I still do it from time to time. Not to mention the verbal exchange which sometimes I feel uncalled for and rather harsh, but yet then I still most happily nurture my hope that somehow we can found our way together.
Is it really that we like to be hurt, or we simply don’t know when to stop enduring? Maybe we thrive on being the victim, the damsel in distress, hence we allow guys to hurt us.
After all we grew up with abused heroines the likes of Cinderella, Snow white, Sleeping beauty, and none of them could defend themselves and said enough is enough I’m not having any more of this nonsense. It took mighty princes to rescue them from the injustice they suffer.
And I guess it’s more complex when the injustice comes from the mighty princes. Who then is going to rescue us? Well I guess the rescue team will come in a form of friends who reminds you that things are getting too much, and most importantly I guess from ourselves who should dare to say ‘It’s enough, thank you very much’.

Insanely mad

2006-07-07T23:45:00.000+07:00

If there are people needing anger management therapy, i think i know exactly how they feel. As i'm writing this i feel insanely mad, to the extend that all i can think of is to slice him to bite size bits. Well at least that was what i feel a few hours ago, but of course i took the easier way to vent my anger by going out and have fun. However since the feeling is still raw i figure i might as well write about it.

As trivial as it is, i cannot help to wonder why i take that kind of shit? I mean like, yes okay i admit my feeling for him still exist, even though with the time and the number of shit happening it's diminishing, but to let him trample me. My god!! Fine most likely he doesn't even realise it, and judging from his action i don't think he still have any feelings even remotely. So why? Why in God's name i still bother???

If this is what happen when you love someone, oh please please let me be alone and cynical. And i'll be the mean old spinster everyone hates.

Thy will be done

2006-06-26T00:00:00.000+07:00

12.56 am... unshowered and idling...

An old phrase and i guess most popular among Church goers
'Thy will be done'
First ever used by Jesus Christ himself, well at least He was the one
who made it a famous... And subsequently His teachings that had made
millions of people live by it...
When the going gets though pray
'Thy will be done'
and your burden becomes His and not yours

When my dad died, i said
'Thy will be done'
When i couldn't get any job and forced to relocate, i said
'Thy will be done'
When i could never seem to make peace with my mum, i said
'Thy will be done'
When i broke up, i said
'Thy will be done'
When i panic about making wrong career moves, i said
'Thy will be done'
When my dog died, i said
'Thy will be done'

Might be unfounded and stupid, but hey it works... at least then i'm not shouldering it alone...

Tomorrow

2006-06-22T23:15:00.000+07:00

And tomorrow the rain will ceases
And tomorrow the sky will clears
And tomorrow the life will brightens

Breaking up

2006-06-19T00:13:00.000+07:00

Breaking up is never easy to do, and if I should recite the number of sad stories relating it I would never have time to do anything else for the next century. Yet as I’m writing this I wonder why it should always be a sad affair. Yes, no denying that it can be painful and most of the time it is, but surely there’s gotta something that we can laugh for. So, now I’m going to share some of the funny bits relating to my latest heart break.

My latest break up was a rather long affair lasting for a few months with few recount able occasions. When my ex first initiate the ‘talk’ on which he admitted that he needed a break which for me was the same thing as breaking up I was so upset that I cried for the whole conversation. Imagine this, us sitting in his room and night has descended and the whole world was sleeping, and I was crying and talking at the same time while he sat in front of me looking forlorn and sad. I’ve been crying for maybe an hour and I’ve started to have trouble breathing due to the snot build up in my nose. Tears streaming down my cheek as I was going to say that I still love him, but loo and behold a snot balloon blew out from my nose as I was breathing out. Both he and I were startled for a second seeing that I’ve managed to blow a balloon out of my nose with my own snot. Let me tell you it sure did break the tension and now every time I think about that supposedly painful conversation I cannot help but to smile.

A few weeks after that we decided to called it a day, and again I was upset up to the extend that I called in sick and called my dearest best friend who then supportively also called in sick to keep me company. Looking back it was one of my happy day, after spending a bit part of my morning going through my tissue stock, she took me out for a lunch in a place we’ve always wanted to go to. We had good feed, and then we went out shopping for her table lamp. Again, remembering that we played hooky and didn’t do anything just because I broke up always manage to put a smile in my face.

Now, the ordeal hadn’t quite finish yet, just a few months before the break up we or rather I had made plan to move to Singapore to be near him, hence as part of the plan I had just tendered in my resignation a few weeks before the snot incidence. So then I had left me unemployed, unattached, and totally clueless as for what I should do. My ever dotting mum suggested that I should finally take the holiday which was actually last year’s birthday gift from my dad and I’ve never gotten around of doing. So, there I was planning for a holiday trip by myself as an extravagant wound balm. And my choice fell to an organized trip to the holy land, which compromise Israel, Egypt, and a tiny glimpse of Jordan. All is okay and good, but a few days prior of leaving I realize that the only under 50 in the group was me and… the tour guide. So there I was going on a 2 week trip with 20 grandpas and grandmas. Of course to be fair it was whole lot more fun than I expect, and I had a great time. Not to mention the funny things that happened, which I must write and let me assure you there were tons of them.

Me, being me finally decided to move to Singapore anyway. Then I reason to everyone and to myself that it would be a good career move, and that was the reason I’m doing it. But of course if I was to be brutally honest my motive of going was as much for my nonexistent career as for trying to win him back. Of course then I did not admit the second motive, which wasn’t the most brilliant motive, but we are talking about a girl who still keeps her baby towel and carry it to sleep for the last 26 years, so of course I cannot give up the guy I thought was ‘the one’ too easily. So I went to Singapore, and was kind of hoping for a nice reunion with my ex, hence of course I couldn’t help to be disappointed that when he picked me up he couldn’t wait to deposit me to my newfound flat and go home to his own place. I was rather upset that I couldn’t sleep, then decided to ring him early in the morning. He picked up the phone and very soon became irritated because I disturb his slumber. Mean things were exchanged, and then the phone was hanged up. Hmm, actually this bit wasn’t too comical except that of course now looking back, it was such a stupid thing to do, to cling to him like that I mean, not the moving out. I was such a shrinking violet that I cannot help smiling with a bit of shame looking back.

So, yeah that was my breaking up story, but don’t pity me (between you and me whenever I read about someone’s break up on their blogs I cannot help but to feel sad for them) because now I’m settling well in this new country. And even though it seemed that my second motive will never realize itself, my first motive realized itself quite well. Just within a month I secured a few job offers and soon I will be busied with my new job. And the fact that I can write about this in the hope of entertaining you, means that I have resign to accept that he wasn’t ‘the one’ and I guess I will just have to wait and see whether the next one that comes along will be ‘the one’.

You know you're deathly bored if...

2006-06-11T11:27:00.000+07:00

1. You'll go to watch a horror movie by yourself and stroll home in the dark just because you can kill more time by walking home than catching a taxi.

2. You'll watch re-runs of 'The Nanny' even though you watched the episode just the day before.

3. You'll keep begging your ex to take you out even though you know he's over you and have a million things he rather do than going out with you.

4. You happily walk home carrying groceries just because, again, you can kill more time by walking home than catching a taxi.

5.You read a 4000 pages novel with names you cannot pronounce and plot you cannot relate to.

6.You scrubbed the stove again even though it's clean, hey might as well at least only your brain that roots and not your hands.

Note: This happens to me, because i decided to moved to a city where i only know 4 living souls which includes 2 busy working flatmates, 1 even more busier working friend, and 1 ex who keep wishing i stop bugging him.

Note2: I've secured a job so hopefully soon i won't even have time to be bored.

blabber

2006-06-05T12:48:00.000+07:00

if just i can pull back the curtain
and sees whats beyond today...
wouldn't it be a treat
knowing that all will be well...

I

2006-05-23T15:27:00.000+07:00

It has been a long few months. When I think of it, it seems like nothing had happened. Only an old movie reeling, no sound, no feeling, just sephia colored moving objects. The dream began with line of words written, the mare began with line of words spoken.

“Fine! Just do whatever you want, I’m gonna go stay with Kahli” I squealed with tears brimming in my eyes and heart raging with rage. The tremble in my voice, he mistakes it for my neediness. And the erratic motion of my hands packing, he mistakes it for hysteric. And right at that moment, the mare begin.

“I’m sure someday I’ll visit your city, I’m just waiting a reason to reveals itself” wrote him. And it did… revealed itself like an exhibitionist revealing himself to unsuspecting strangers happy to indulge his fetish and unaware of strangers’ wariness.

I wrote and wrote and wrote and he replied and replied and replied. Incessantly tiny envelope will flash at the bottom of my monitor. My working time started to shape itself around the emails. 20 minutes working on my spreadsheet, 10 minutes reading email and replying. “Reply please…reply please… replay ple…reple” chanting in my head.
Soon the envelope poops up, soon it will… and it did. Quite a good few months before the mare began and a good few days after the dream began.

Be Happy

2006-03-17T17:49:00.000+07:00

Totally ages since I’ve updated my blog. I have no idea where the time past had gone to, well I guess the bulk of it went to my lazy idleness… Well anyway, now that I’ve decided I’m going to employ my office time sensibly, I’ll devote the next 15 mins writing this piece instead of dozing off.
Ages ago I come up with a remark ‘Happiness is how you percieve your life," and I was so pleased about this remark that I sign my emails with that sentence. I thought the sentence was simple, but with it carried the wisdom that we all tend to forget. In fact I myself had almost forget it at the presence, had I not read my friend’s blog just now.
For the past few weeks I had been unhappy, stressed out, and in full indulgence of self pity. To make it worse instead of being positive I had let myself feel that my problems are heavy adversity and along with it I forget to be grateful. I was too busy crying for the things went wrong then I forgot to smile for the things went right. So I guess in a way I just wanted to say the cliché but true…’be happy’

Baygon

2005-11-01T15:16:00.000+07:00

Ayo cepat cepat mari kita pergi…
Pergi ke mana bu?
Sudah jangan ribut yang penting cepat siap siap
Tapi harus pakai baju apa bu?
Pakai bajumu yang mana saja
Pakai rok warna merah ya bu?
Ya, ya pakai lah rok merah mu itu…

Lalu disiapkannya sebotol baygon dan dua gelas plastik…

Botol Baygon untuk tukang semprot serangga
yang akan datang menyemprot
dan
Gelas plastik untuk jajan es teler di pinggir jalan supaya
Tidak usah memakai gelas jorok tukang es teler

When i lost my dad

2005-10-01T00:47:00.000+07:00

Today, I am gonna write something personal about my life. Recently I have experience what might be one of those life changing experience. I have lost my dad for the second time round. The first time was when I was one year old. Just a month after my first birthday my birth father passed away. Of course at that time I was too young to comprehend. Frankly I didn’t even remember my birth father let alone the experience of losing him. The second time round, well it’s harder I guess, parting with my ‘step’ dad, the only dad I have ever known or feel to have.

The day I lost my dad was surreal. It had a dreamlike quality about it. I remember driving home from the office in the usual route, unhurriedly negotiating the traffic thinking it was just a mild case of stomach ache that send my sister to call me and told me to go home. Got home to find everyone had left for the hospital. Again driving calmly even though by this stage I have build a bit of anxiety. Went in to the emergency room, and there he was lying on the stretcher sporting a sleeping face. In fact if not for the white cloth binding his jaw I can swear that he is only sleeping. I stroke his hair and whisper “ Be happy Papa, Be happy Papa.” I kneel down beside him and started praying, I said “ Thank you God for freeing Papa.” I said grace like I’m supposed to, but all the while I keep thinking it’s okay mon, it’s okay it’s all just a dream and as soon I finish praying I would wake up and find that it was just a mere nightmare. But of course, it wasn’t. Instead I found myself driving home to prepare the house for my dad’s last home coming. I remember I was driving in an automated mode and repeating Hail Mary just to keep my mind occupied and warding away my tears. I got home and saw a lot of friends and neighbors in my house already, but I didn’t really see. I just nod and moved around in a zombified manner, clutching to the last threads of hope that soon I will wake up from this silly nightmare.

Now a month after that day I still haven’t quite figure out how I feel about all of this. Like any good Catholic supposed to, I believe that he is happy now in my Lord’s house. My desperately clung naivete thinks that my dad has happily join the big lunch table in my kind of heaven laughing boisterously with all our loved ones who had passed. I have no idea whether this is true or not. But since there is no way to prove it otherwise, I choose to believe that it is true. Because deep down I know that this is the only way I can survive this pain, considering my low threshold of pain.

Yet again, I am mad at him for deserting me. Because by passing away I have once again ‘half orphaned’. Now who will give me away on my wedding day? Who would hold my firstborn in a grandfatherly manner? Who would take my future husband, whoever he is, to have man to man talk. Who would advice me when I am getting my first house. All my life I work to make him proud, and now what good will it be if he is not around anymore. I haven’t even get him ‘the gift’ as my token of appreciation. But more than any of it I simply miss him.

I miss him not in a pining way. I miss him in a softer way, in some sense it’s the same feeling when one fondly reminiscence about happy past. I lovingly miss the way he imparted his knowledge to me. How he taught me about lessons of life. I look back and I can see him in front of the TV, munching chips, and carries conversations about faith, life, work, love. How he will share his wisdom without moving his eyes from the TV. I miss how we would laugh about stupid stuff. Like the way we laugh when we were imagining what if the plane toilet worked like the old train toilet. We would have waste flushed out from the plane swimming in the air before landing in someone’s head. I miss the way he told me about the beauties in the world. How he said that Black Forest is the most beautiful place on earth, and even more so if you go there with your significant other. I miss the way he taught me to do work around the house. The way he gave me step by step instruction when I have to drill a hole in the wall, and how he was pealed with laughter knowing I manage to make the driller stuck even with his real live instructions.

It was also him who taught me that my faith is my way of life, and by faith there should not be anything sad about death. And by that also I will rejoice for my dad’s death, because I love him so much.

Opa naik mobil nguing nguing

2005-09-27T23:26:00.000+07:00

Bila aku boleh punya satu permintaan, aku akan minta supaya papa masuk surga. Seandainya Tuhan mendengarku tolong bukakan pintu buat papa. Siapapun yang membaca ini tolong panjatkan sepotong doa buat papaku. Aku minta ini bukan karena dia papaku. Bukan juga karena dia baik. Bukan karena dia sering membuatku tertawa. Aku minta ini karena aku mencintai dia. Karena bagiku dia adalah hadiah dari Tuhan. Didalam rencana megahnya Tuhan telah menyelipkan papa supaya Dia bisa berkarya dalam hidupku. Ponakanku bilang ‘Opa naik mobil nguing nguing ke Surga’. Bila aku punya satu permintaan aku tidak akan minta supaya dia dikembalikan, aku minta supaya papa sekarang bahagia di Surga. Seandainya aku bisa minta tolong ke semua orang aku akan minta supaya apa yang ponakanku bilang benar, bahwa ‘Opa naik mobil nguing nguing ke Surga’.

2005-07-26T12:49:00.000+07:00

"So close no matter how far
couldn't be much more from the heart
forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters" -Metallica-

Came across the above lyric, and thought it's kinda sweet, albeit utopian.

Mongrels

2005-07-11T17:07:00.000+07:00

Loo and behold
Two mongrels sniffing each other
Fur damp with the afternoon shower
Feet brown caked with mud
Eyes twinkling with mischief

Wuf..wuf..Wuf..wuf..
Two ugly mongrels barking to each other
Wrestling, licking, and chasing
Glad to be united
Though only for a while

Aww… hold and see
Two sleeping mogrels entertwined peacefully
Without any worry in the world
Happy just to have each other
To play with, and to love

Note

2005-06-22T10:18:00.000+07:00

For: Heavenly Bed occupier
Message: :)
From: Me

Somethin’ Cheerful

2005-06-01T16:52:00.000+07:00

Whilst driving my sister peered at her son and saw him stiff. "Honey, are you allrite?" she asked. " No, I’m not mummy, I’m scaled", he replied. " Why are you scared, baby?" she asked again. "Because, you’le dliving mummy," he replied.

"Auntie, auntie, I’m going to matchmake Monik with my brother," my friend told my mum, when they were having afternoon snack. " Oh, really, well if that side is willing (meaning my friend’s brother), then I will be most grateful." My mum replies.

"Ma’m, d you want to try extrim, very effective." One of the sales ladies offers my friend one of those diet products. Annoyed my friend (who’s very much single and unpregnant) quite innocently replied " Ermm, is this safe for pregnant women?" And obviously the sales lady was taken aback.

Ra…ra…ra..

2005-05-31T16:58:00.000+07:00

8 Minutes before the clock sings
8 Minutes before I can leave my desk
8 Minutes before i say goodbye to security man
8 Minutes before I can run down the stairs
Catch a taxi and go for a coffee with my friend..

My head is heavy from all the thinking
My stomach growls from all the working
My feet is tired from all the running around
My heart is happy from the excitement
7 Minutes away from freedom…

Solo

2005-05-29T20:06:00.000+07:00

My weekend trip to Solo was a total blast. The wedding was beautiful, even though the MC thought that he was in the 80ish, but then again maybe he did truly believed he was. But anyhow the best bit of the whole trip is of course the after party, in the hotel’s bar or Music Room they called it. Erhmm, frankly I don’t think I can really recite the after party since I was soooooo veryyyy wasted… J All I know was we invaded the tiny bar, and starts gulping beers whilst jeering at the cheesy songs. I manage to make a spectacle of myself and yes regretfully I think the party bunch will remember me as the girl who cannot hold her drinks, har..har..har. But the most embarrassing bit actually happens the morning after in a taxi that I took with some friends.

Friend: Hey, how was yesterday? Did you got home allrite? Har..har..har.. you were so up in the moon.

Me: God, I so never going to the place anymore.

Friend: Har..har..har.. you don’t remember a thing , do you?

Taxi driver: Yes, I was the one who drives her home yesterday. Yes..yes.. I still remember you from yesterday. From Quality hotel, right?

Me: Oh my God. (at this stage I hung my head in shame).
I don’t think I will take taxi rides in solo for quite some time now, not that I will be back there for a while anyhow. But still, out of all taxis in solo why do I have to ride with the taxi driver who witness my drunkenness, and why oh why did he had to told everyone in the taxi that he remembered it?

Belajar

2005-05-22T23:37:00.000+07:00

Okeeiii... setelah beberapa lama meninggalkan bangku sekolah, hari ini gua harus belajar karena besok gua bakal ulangan. Waduhhh waktu dulu ketika tanggung jawab gua hanya belajar yang rajin pun gua selalu kesulitan belajar, apalagi sekarang dimana kegiatan seputar ulangan, assignment, belajar hanya seperti sekumpulan mimpi buruk yang sudah gua lewatkan.

Attempts yang sudah gua lakukan dalam acara belajar kali ini:

1. Hari Jumat...

Pulang kantor jam 8 an, setelah bla bli blu... jam 10 ngeluarin buku baca 6.5 menit, temen telpon gosip berjam jam, lupa belajar.

2. Hari Sabtu...

Kebanyakan acara, buku sama sekali terbengkalai.

3. Hari Minggu..

Bangun jam 10, sarapan, siap siap belajar. Jam 12 belajar, jam 12.10 ketiduran sampai jam 2.

Jam 4 sore belajar, jam 4.05 ketiduran sampai jam 4.30.

Jam 11 malem belajar, jam 11.15 bosen dan ngeblog sampai sekarang.

Harghhhh....

Dia

2005-05-20T17:17:00.000+07:00

Sehelai demi sehelai dia merapikan
Benang benang pikirannya yang kusut masai
Beri aku kekuatan Tuhan…Beri aku kekuatan
Ujarnya berulang ulang

Setusuk demi setusuk dia menjahit
Pecahan pecahan hatinya yang tercerai berai
Beri aku ketabahan Tuhan…Beri aku ketabahan
Ujarnya berulang ulang

Sebongkah demi sebongkah dia menyusun
Puing puing jiwanya yang hancur lebur
Jangan tinggalkan aku Tuhan… Jangan tinggalkan aku
Pintanya terus menerus

Makan….

2005-05-10T16:24:00.000+07:00

Makan adalah suatu kegiatan yang menurut gua mempunyai fungsi ganda. Selain untuk kelangsungan hidup , makan tuh sebetulnya dalah kegiatan sosial juga. Di keluarga gua setiap acara keluarga pasti berbentuk, lunch,, dinner, lunch, dinner, atau kalo kepepet ngemil. Di lingkungan pertemanan gua juga makan menjadi aktivitas favorit. " Eh weekend makan jepang yuk", " Tar abis nonton ngupi yuk", " Jadi hari sabtu kita lunch di Kemang, trus ngupi di Citos sekalian nonton, trus malemnya makan martabak."

Biasanya gua sama teman teman gua kalo lagi seneng makan sesuatu pasti setiap kali maunya makan itu terus, baru kalo udah bosen berpindah ke makanan lain. Sekarang kita lagi seneng makan ceker, jadi hampir setiap kali kita pergi (biasanya Jumat, Sabtu, Minggu, plus beberapa hari biasa) kita bakal makan ceker dalam berbagai bentuk. Makan mi ceker, soto ceker, ceker dim sum, pokoknya harus yang berbau ceker. Dan tau gak, kalo lagi engga ketemu sms yang bertebaran biasanya dimulai dengan " Aduh sakau ceker, perlu ketemuan nihh." Hihihi…

Kalau kakak gua dia suka banget memalsukan makanan di restoran. Tiap kali kita makan enak dia pasti bingng sendiri masaknya gimana. Dan biasanya dia selalu nekat ikut ikutan bikin dan engga jarang malah jadi bikin susah semua, hihihi. Dulu pernah kita lagi suka banget makan Unagi Don (Belut Panggang), dan kakak gua penasaran pingin banget bikin sendiri. Dengan jumawa dia beli belut hidup segede gajah di Vic Market dan dengan santainya dibawa pulang hidup hidup, padahal sebetulnya bisa juga minta dibunuhin sama tukang ikannya. Si belut dilepas di sink dapur gua sementara dia mengasah golok jimatnya. Walaupun gayanya meyakinkan, dalam waktu beberapa menit gua mendengar teriakan " Waa, *$%#$@*@#$& !!!" gubrak gubrak krompyang. Langsung aja gua beringsut dari sofa ke dapur, dan ternyata… si belut yang tadinya sudah manis di sink lagi asik bergeliatan di meja dapur menghindari pegangan kakak gua. Muka kakak gua udah mulai pucat karena gua yakin banget walaupun dia punya senjata golok jimat dia sebetulnya jijay banget megang badan si belut yang selicin dan selentur penari penari timur tengah. Huhuhu, abangku sayang makanya jangan suka ngasal.

Yah itulah sekelumit pengalaman gua dengan acara makan memakan

2005-05-09T18:19:00.000+07:00

I’ve received quite a responds for the posting I posted during my bleak weekend. Teman teman thank you yah… huaa love y all. And just to reassure you again, it was only an episode and come Monday the blah weekend was over:) So yeah I think I am normal again now, and so like my friend told me "I’m marching out with my chin up":)

Cont from prev Posting

2005-05-08T07:42:00.000+07:00

Now is 7.21 in the morning, I’ve just had a light breakfast and ready to go to bed finally. I decided to end my sleepless night by joining the Sunday mass at dawn. So I drive to the church unshowered, unkempted, at around 5.30 ist, sat there for a while before joining the Sunday mass. In the sermon the priest read a passage from someone that said something like “When I asked for comfort, You gave me pain. When I asked for security, You gave me worry. When I asked for relief, You gave me burdens.” And the message was that He never gives you what you want, but only what you needs. A teaching I know all my life, nothing new in the message, but just about the answer I need after my sleepless night. My project fails miserable even though all the while I’ve praying for meeting my future significant other and make all the efforts, because as much as I want to it was not what I need for now. So yeah now I think I’ll sleep and waits for my significant other whenever the Lord decides that it’s what I need. Beside I think I’ve just received as sign that God thinks I need to sleep now, so I better abide.

Ps: There wasn't any choir in the dawn mass, but someone was singing Angelicus and it was unbelievable lovely. A small consolation gift from God after my lousy night, and this kind of thing is the reason why i love having my God in my life.

Kill me for being Pathetic

2005-05-08T04:49:00.000+07:00

Now is almost 4 in the morning, and I’m experiencing a sleepless night despite the rain outside, and the fluffy quilt of mine, thank god it’s Sunday so at least I can sleep later on the day. This sleepless is partly because I have running nose, but also a sodding upset heart. I was going to call some friends earlier on the night but some are probably bored to death listening to my whining, and for some reason none of my friends who hasn’t hear me whining are available, and lucky them I suppose. I think I am in those self pitying pathetic mood that any girls bound to have once in a while despite their intelligence and independence. And also like any other girls the reason doesn’t lay far from pathetic love life, which I know is not everything in a girl’s life, but as I’ve said before I’m in a pathetic mode, so please indulge me and don’t judge me.
A few months ago I’ve embark on a project, which I called making my own fairytale project. This is essentially is doing everything it takes to find my better half, or at least a boyfriend. The reason for doing this is too long to explain. This project involves in quite a number of stuff, like improving my behavior (being more ladylike, restraining my laugh, etc), meet more people, and most fatally opening my heart to every twit that came across. Needless to say this project is a total failure, and has left me in an even worse condition than before. Prior the project I don’t really care if no one has amorous interest in me because I didn’t make any effort, but post the project this fact is distressing because now that I make the effort I still couldn’t get anyone has amorous interest in me. Whyyy…
All I want is to get those odd phone calls, those unimportant sms, dinner requests, and maybe just maybe if it isn’t too much something to signify one’s interest in me (a flower or anything, but a verbal statement is preferable). I wonder what do a girl got to do these days to get those kind of attention. Since this piece is already politically wrong, and has rendered me to become the most pathetic being in the universe, I might add that I want is certainty. In effect I think like most girls I have a very low self-esteem where romance is concerned. I want to have a clear message that “Yes, I like you and I would do anything to win your heart,” so I can enjoy the whole thing without worry. But yeah even the odd phone calls, ‘just to say hello’ smses, are enough, but of course they should come with sincere thoughts. For now though i think i am happy enough if i can sleep.... ;)

Why do I like sleeping…

2005-05-04T11:54:00.000+07:00

When sleeping I can conjures my own fairytale world
My mind can stop thinking for a while
And it can wanders to places
To lifes of non existent,
Live life of dream
When sleeping I can summon people
People I cannot nor dare not to call in real life
Quality time which never happen,
My heart will stop aching for a while
And it can love freely
Peoples of different dimension,
Feeling the unfeel

Cari Pacar

2005-05-03T13:54:00.000+07:00

I felt like I’ve just wake up from mellowness slumber…
Hua…Hua… Gua mau bercerita sedikit mengenai aktivitas gua belakangan ini. Ceritanya semenjak gua balik ke Jakarta banyak banget yang meributkan soal kejombloan gua. Namely bonyok gua sih, yang meributkan status gua ini. Nah, tadinya emang gua gak dengerin, tapi setelah berbulan bulan gua jadi ikut kepengaruh dan jadi mulai ikut ikutan panik pengen cari pacar. Dalam quest gua mencari pacar ini, gua mulai dengan membuka hati kepada orang lain. Bayangin aja yang setelah beberapa tahun gua jomblo dan hanya pernah naksir ato terlibat dengan beberapa cowo doang, sekarang dalam kurun waktu beberapa bulan gua attracted ke beberapa orang. Seolah olah filter yang selama ini ada di diri gua langsung goes on holiday, gara gara euphoria cari pacar yang di sulut oleh nyokap gua. Oh ya, perlu gua bilang juga si beberapa orang yang gua naksir secara bergantian dalam waktu beberapa bulan itu, sudah tentu engga ada yang nyantol. Dan memang sekarang pada waktu gua mulai sadar dari kemabukan aktivitas cari pacar ini, kalau ditilik tilik emang sebetulnya engga compatible sama gua. Sekarang gua mau mulai kembali memanggil filter gua balik dari holidaynya, karena sebetulnya nanti jodoh gua pasti mampu menembus filter gua, dabn tanpa filter gua itu kayanya koq jadi gampang tersakiti. So, yah inti ceritanya jangan ngoyo pengen punya significant other dan settle down. Everything will come in it’s good time, walaupun gua gak tau kapan my ‘good time’ will come.

Love

2005-05-02T21:01:00.000+07:00

And he asked about love…

Love is a decision. It is not a coincidence, it is not fate, it is not even a feeling. If one decides to open her heart to someone, then it is love. And so if a person decides to close her heart then it is the end of love. Like many other things in life we do have control over it. Maybe the nature will lead us to make the decision that we made, but nevertheless it is us who are the decision makers. We can choose to nurture the budding of what may become love, or we can choose to let it dry out. Even though the budding comes unexpectedly, the nurturing should come from our self-consciousness. Happy are those who dare to decide to nurture.

Moments I cannot Forgot

2005-05-02T14:21:00.000+07:00

When I was in year 12, my first significant ‘friend’ was going back to Indonesia for good, and I was devastated. The morning he flew home I catch a taxi to his place very early in the morning. We sat in front of his apartment building waiting for the time for him to go to the airport. It was still dawn and the sun had barely shone, and the air was cold. Quite a typical winter morning. I remember I had my black cord coat on, and tears were streaming down my face. I was clinging to him not wanting to let go afraid my heart will break to pieces. But of course the taxi came and he went away. And that was the last time I ever saw him.
I remember walking home feeling miserable, desperate for some assurance that everything will be all rite. The flat was still quiet when I get back, I went to my room and started to read comic books and sobbing at the same time. I think I was devastated to weeks, and I cried for weeks. I cried every morning fo the first week, and began writing corny stuff all over my journal hoping it will ease the pain.
The feeling that I had for him was merely puppy love, in fact I don’t think I ever know what real love is. But at the time the heartbreak was the greatest. Especially because I was a young fool, and inexperienced. Like always in the end I am thankful for the experience. My first taste of heartbreak.

Dream

2005-04-29T09:15:00.000+07:00

I have a dream
Me lounging under a canopy
In an idyllic tropical garden
Water running down a stream

A tall glass of Long Island Ice tea on my side
A wonderful book on my lap
A sleeping dog on my feet
A soft light linen clothes on my body

The smell of fresh flowers
The cooling breeze
The warm sun rays
The quiet sound of peacefulness

Eeek…

I am in my tiny cubicle
Messy desk with piles of papers
Facing a computer which not even good looking
Sitting in a cramped space

A glass of too sweet generic tea on my side
A list of work to do on my lap
A box of documents on my feet
A plain straight work clothes on my body

The smell of stale coffee
The full bacteria air con breeze
The no feel rays from light fixtures
The noisy sounds of keyboards tappings…

I WANT MY DREAM

An edited version of a lovely David’s Psalm

2005-04-27T11:37:00.000+07:00

I am not lonely. God is here
Hand on my shoulder. Wind in my ear.

The Lord is the shepherd who leads me down
To quiet pools and a soft green ground.
He feeds, restores, beholds, relieves me,
Shows me the right road, then precedes me:

I am not lonely. God is here.
Strength for my going. Song in my ear.

Yea, though I cross the valley of dying,
I do not fear. I am not crying.
Thy rod for the beast, thy staff for my leaning,
Thou art my comfort and thou my redeeming.

Oh Lord, I am not lonely now

Love Program (taken from Friendster's bull board)

2005-04-25T19:18:00.000+07:00

Tech Support: Yes, ... how can I help you?

Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me though the process?

Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed?

Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready. What do I do first?

Tech Support: The first step is to open your Heart. Have you located your Heart?

Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running?

Tech Support: What programs are running?

Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now

Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?

Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?

Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased.

Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?

Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades.

Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, "Error - Program not run on external components ." What should I do?

Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others.

Customer: So, what should I do?

Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations.

Customer: Okay, done.Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back.

Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal?

Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you.

Customer: Thank you, God.

8.25

2005-04-20T17:49:00.000+07:00

Now is 8.25 pm…
Soon it’ll be 8:30 pm…
Then in 12 hours it’ll be 8:30 am
And I will be back in my office…

Fat chance…
Most likely I’ll still be in the bathroom
Teasing my hair so it’ll look half decent
Taming mad hair like a mad woman

Then I’ll drag my lazy ass down from my room
Start calling my mum to drive me to office
Cause I’m too lazy to walk
And too spoilt too

Then I will get myself another red mark on my punch card
And not really minding about it
Settles myself in front of my computer
Start counting the hours to lunch

Then come lunchtime,
Gleefully I will hopped down the fire case
Glad to be outside office
Smell the roses and fell the sun

Then come afternoon,
With pitiful look I’ll beg for ride home
From my good friends
Who are either too kind or too polite to refuse

Then soon it’ll be 8.25 pm again

Ma baby

2005-04-13T16:44:00.000+07:00

Ma baby is coming home
Home to me, because she loves me
And me only
I’ve clean up my life
Because ma baby is coming home
And I cannot wait to greet her
Into my life...
Because it is she who can
Love me the way she does
Just the way I like it

Plaktonis

2005-04-12T17:07:00.000+07:00

Bila engkau mampir di kotaku lagi
Beri aku kabar,
Biar nanti kita bisa bertemu

Belajarlah untuk mengerti
Bahwa kita tidak berjodoh
Bebaskan dirimu dari asmara tidak berbalas itu

Bolehkan aku memilih jalan hidupku
Belenggu cinta sepihak ini sudah aku pilih
Bocel di hatiku aku ikhlas

Beban kerelaanmu membuatku sedih
Bila kau mencintaiku, lupakan aku
Berilah kita perpisahan yang manis

Benarkah kau menderita atas cintaku
Bukan masalahmu bahwa aku terjerat
Berdiam aku akan mencitaimu dari jauh

Interview with the One above

2005-04-10T12:51:00.000+07:00

G: So what have you been doin’?
Me: Err, I do a lot of things Sir. Making your gift of life worthwhile
G: Child, you do know that I am God, right?
Me: Err, ye..es.
G: Now, you do know that as a God I know things. All things..
Me: Yes, like E channel rite, sir?
G: Precisely, I’m like a mega universe E Channel. Even more than that, I ‘m a round the clock, to minuscle details observer.
Me: Okayy…
G: So, then why in the world you think you can bullshit me? Making your life worthwhile, whilst all you did idled your life away.
Me: Well, sir. I had thought that not doing anything was better than doing bad things.

Love Poem

2005-04-10T12:50:00.000+07:00

I wish you are an ugly mongrel stranded
Unwanted, unloved, uncared
So I can take you in my arm
And want you, love you, and care for you

Weekend

2005-04-04T10:28:00.000+07:00

A few things happened on my weekend

Firstly, like everyone must have known at this stage that the Pope died. I was actually grateful that he died, not that because I didn’t like him, but because I really believed that no one should suffer toward their death especially a good person. Moreover what’s to be regretted? The pope was a faithful servant (at least we’d like to believed so) and he had came home to his Father’s house. So really even though it was a loss for us, but it was a blessing for him.

Secondly, still in religious department something happened on my personal life, or more like I did something, and I am awfully grateful that I have my God. It is rather funny that the small things can actually relit your faith. I went to a chapel, which I used to frequent when I was younger..much younger. The last time I went there was probably when I was on my early teens, close to a decade ago. The place was exactly the same, nothing had changed over the years. And the serenity it offered was also undiminished. Then it dawns on me that even though people changed, I changed, my life changed, there’s one thing that will remain, which is God. My relation with Him may change, I may forget Him, I may love Him, I may hate Him, but His house will always offers the same serenity and peacefulness. A true ‘refugee for the sinners’.

Thirdly, on lighter note, I spent the weekend with my girlfriends with endless shopping sprees, coffees, lunches, and neverending girltalks. And I count my blessing for being able to be stupidly boisterous, and happy. An excerpt of our conversation when we were in Starcbuck Saturday night (written in indo though):

P1: Iyah, ganteng dan baik tapi maha bastard
All: Ah, maha bastard
P2: Ah, apa? Mahabarata?
All: Huahuahuahauahua…(sampe semua orang nengok)
P3: Eh jadi ntar, kalo berantem sama cowo brengsek, "*Plak* Dasar kamu mahabarata!!!" (dengan akting bak pemain sinetron).
All: Bwahhwawhwhhwhwhaahwa
So anyway, that’s my weekend and now back to reality

Kencan buta

2005-04-01T15:36:00.000+07:00

"Tak ada satupun kata terucap diantara mereka…" Hanya duduk diam menekuri cangkir cangkir kopi mereka. Sesekali pandangannya menjelajah ruangan kedai kopi itu, ketika gelak tawa dari pengunjung lain mencuri perhatiannya. Senyum sayu akan terbentuk di bibirnya untuk sesaat, dan kembali dia akan menekuri cangkir kopinya.
Beberapa minggu yang lalu dia berkenalan dengan pria itu, lewat jasa seorang kawan. "Ran, mau aku kenalin sama temen gak?" ujar Tiar ketika mereka sedang menikmati minggu sore di Kemang. "Ganteng , Ran. Dah gitu kerjaannya bagus, orangnya baik." " Yakin lo yar? Kalo ganteng ngapain masih jomblo? Pasti elo ngasal deh" jawabnya curiga. "Gaban (*engga banget*) emang keren kok cuma picky aja kali, kalo gua gak punya Pijar, gua juga mau deh," Bela Tiar lagi. Akhirnya pada akhir percakapan sore itu dia menurut usul Tiar untuk berkenalan degan pria itu.
Selang beberapa minggu, beberapa puluh sms, dan beberapa percakapan panjang di telpon, dia dan pria itu memutuskan untuk bertemu. Hari Sabtu dipilih sebagai hari pertemuan mereka. Sore hari di kedai kopi daerah selatan Jakarta menjadi waktu yang ditentukan. Layaknya seorang gadis hendak bertemu calon pangerannya, dia menghabiskan siang hari di salon, memanjakan dan mempercantik diri. Dikenakannya atasan chiffon cantik berwarna merah muda kelabu dan jeans pucat.
Dia datang 10 menit lebih awal, memesan minum, duduk, menaruh handphone di meja, dan mulai membaca majalah yang disediakan. Tidak lama setelah cangkir kopinya diantar, handphonenya berdering menandakan kedangan pria itu. Ketika matanya bersirobok dengan mata pria itu, waktu seakan berhenti. Celoteh ceria dari penjuru kedai tidak terdengar, bahkan alunan musik jazz dari speaker pun tidak terdengar.
Dia sudah pernah bertemu dengan pria itu. Beberapa tahun yang lalu, ketika dia masih tinggal bersama adik lelakinya. Malam yang dia tidak pernah lupakan seumur hidup. Malam itu dia pulang tugas sehari lebih cepat dari waktu yang ditentukan. Sisa sisa aroma masakan menyambutnya ketika dia membuka pintu. Dia menuju ruang duduk, dan di situlah dia memergoki adiknya sedang berciuman dengan pria itu.

Kantor

2005-03-30T15:49:00.000+07:00

Sekarang saya ada di kantor
Duduk manis di depan komputer
Menunggu jam pulang berdering
Sembari terpekur
Membayangkan nikmatnya tidur

Percakapan dengan Tuhan

2005-03-29T17:10:00.000+07:00

Gua: Halo, Tuhan
Tuhan: Halo, bocah
Gua: Selamat Paskah, Bos
Tuhan: Sama sama. Kamu mau nanya apa nih? Biasanya cuma ngajak ngomong kalo ada perlunya.
Gua: Huhuhu, iyah yah? Maafin ya Bos, emang dey suka lupa. Tapi aku selalu inget kamu koq Bos.
Tuhan: Iyah, Bos kan juga engga pernah protes. Bos sabar kok kalo sama kamu. Walaupun kamu lupa pun engga papa.
Gua: Iyah yah, gak enak banget ya Bos jadi kamu. Selalu menunggu…
Tuhan: Engga enak?
Gua: Iyah, Bos kan selalu nungguin kita terus. Kalo kita lupa berdoa, kalo kita lupa berterima kasih, bahkan kalo kita lupa Bos, Bos tetep selalu nungguin kita. Dan sebetulnya menunggu adalah pekerjaan membosankan gak sih?
Tuhan: Mon, makanya kamu adalah manusia dan Aku Tuhan.

Easter

2005-03-29T13:47:00.000+07:00

Easter chocolates…err not this year though
Midnight Mass
Touching & lovely light ceremony with seas of candles
Questions my faithfulness
Dozing in the church
End of fasting
Am the chosen one
Long weekend
Very very late supper
Feelin’ holy and good
Simply divine

Why Bother?

2005-03-21T10:57:00.000+07:00

These are not my stories, but stories of real people

It had started innocently fresh after highschool, two young ones madly in love. Time past, and relatioship grew, then the girl got pregnant. They had decided to do abortion, and soon afterward the relationship falters. Leaving the two of them traumatized and broken hearted.

They were getting married in months time. The woman was busy juggling wedding preparation and work, whilst the man was building career in another town. Just as the ballroom got booked, the man came home, to tell her fiancee that he’s madly in love with his secretary.

She was his sister’s flatmate. All sweet and fairytale like, going to church, walks on the beach, afternoon coffee. Until he found out that she was having an affair with his sister.

They were good friends, very good friends who drifted to unfateful romantic courtship. Giant palms shook them back to reality that because of their beliefs they will never marry.

Sayangku Maaf

2005-03-17T11:09:00.000+07:00

Maafkan aku sayang… seandainya semua ini bisa diulang
Mungkin kita tidak akan ada di sini
Mungkin mata manismu masih bisa menatapku
Oh manisku seandainya …

Sungguh aku minta maaf…
Tanpa sadar keduniawian sudah membawaku terhanyut
Makin sering kau kutinggal sendiri di rumah
Dan tetap dengan setia kau menunggu ku

Ah… bila kuingat malam malam panjang itu
Kau menungguku selalu,
Binaran matamu menyambutku, namun sering kau kutapik
Sudah malam, aku lelah kataku padamu
Dan kamu akan beringsut pergi

Sayangku, maaf aku tidak memberi hidup yang bahagia
Maaf aku tidak pernah menyadari betapa besar arti
Kehadiranmu di hidupku
Anjingku sayang maafkan aku

Doa

2005-03-15T18:24:00.000+07:00

Waktu dokter mengatakan suaminya sakit keras
Dia menangis, dan berdoa

Waktu penggali kubur mulai menutup liang kubur suaminya
Dia menangis, dan berdoa

Waktu anak anaknya yang masih kecil bermain di nisan suaminya
Dia menangis, dan berdoa

Waktu keputus asaan menghinggap
Dia menangis, dan berdoa

Berdoa

Surat Surti

2005-02-24T18:48:00.000+07:00

Dear Nana,
Aku dapet surat kamu waktu kamis lalu, tapi aku engga tau mau bales apa jadi baru hari ini aku nulis. Na, sebetulnya aku engga nyalahin kamu, aku ngerti koq. Lagian emang kadang kadang hidup susah dimengerti, dan lebih parahnya lebih susah lagi mengerti diri kita sendiri. Seperti yang dulu aku pernah bilang ke kamu sebetulnya kamu harus kenal diri kamu dan harus berlaku sesuai dengan kemampuan diri kamu, walaupun itu mungkin bukan kamu yang sebenarnya. Inget gak sih? Itu yang waktu kita ketemuan di Kemang sore sore, kamu tanya aku kenapa sih aku suka kaya anak kecil. Kenapa aku polos banget dan naif, padahal menurut kamu aku engga mungkin sepolos dan senaif itu. Terus aku bilang “well, that’s the only way I can keep living.” Aku serius loh Na, waktu itu. Aku tahu bahwa mungkin aku membohongi diriku, karena aku memaksa untuk melihat hidupku melalui kaca bewarna pastel. Tapi aku juga tahu bahwa kalau aku tidak memasang filter itu mungkin aku akan masuk rumah sakit gila. Curang sih, bahkan mungkin kalo ketemu psikiater aku bakal dibilang bodoh, bahwa aku hanya menyimpan bom waktu yang suatu saat akan meledak dan menghancurkan hidupku. Trus inget gak kamu bilang apa? Kamu bilang aku pinter, dan kamu akan ikut ikutan memasang filter dalam hidup kamu. Hmmm, udah selama ini aku belom pernah tanya kamu apakah kamu benar benar memasang filter itu.
Nana, inget gak waktu kita masih baru baru kuliah, kita pernah diteriakin maling gara gara kita manjat pager rumah kamu jam 4 pagi abis clubbing. Hahaha the good old days.Kadang kadang gua pengen nangis kalo inget masa masa begajulan dulu. Hidup indah banget yah.
Nana kamu sekarang bahagia engga di sana? Aku kangen kamu banget loh. Oh ya Minggu lalu aku sama anak anak ke kuburan. Kamu pasti lupa kalo minggu lalu kamu ulang taun. Hmmm…Nana kenapa sih kamu harus bunuh diri.

love'
Surti

Dull

2005-02-16T09:42:00.000+07:00

My colleague cum deskmate cum gossipmate cum snackmate cum bulliermate is on leave, a few days shy from her wedding. Suddenly my morning is silent as rather impossible to chitchat by oneself without being deemed insane and fired wth pitying look. Oaky I suppose it’s a chance to work more efficiently, but the idea this singularity will stretch to the coming week is making me depress hence cannot work.

In Memoriam

2005-02-11T11:14:00.000+07:00

A person will be eternally cherished not by her merits, but by the love she brings to her loved ones. Till forever you will be cherished and loved

11 February 1980-11 February 2005

A Quickie

2005-02-03T13:50:00.000+07:00

A quicky to remind myself...

Taking delight in small things will keeps suicide away

Fairy Tale Vs Hoax

2005-02-02T11:27:00.000+07:00

I saw ‘Bride and Prejudice’ yesterday. For those who hasn’t heard of it, it’s a remake of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. The reason I saw it was firstly because it was made by the people who made ‘Bend it Like Beckham’ (which I rather like, albeit too sweet), and secondly I’m rather curious how Jane Austen will translate into today’s society and Indian culture. As per myself I am rather familiar with the Bennets having read the book for my year 11 literature class, and had also seen the BBC’s version with the gorgeous Colin Firth as handsome Mr. Darcy.
One of the hottest discussion on my yr11 class was that the Bennets’ girls came across as pitiful, as maariages was the only avenue for them to ensure their future. Our tehacher pointed out that this was in the 18 th century, a long way from today, and writted by a preacher’s daughter who probably hasn’t got much social life. Okay that settles the argument, silently we half pitied them for not having options like us but also envying them for having a seemingly much simpler life and of course great love story.
Fast forward, yesterday I just realise that the reason we long for the knight in shining armor is because we were taught to do so. Let’s see eversince we were girls we’re feed Sleeping beauty (handsome prince), snow white (handsome prince), little mermaid (handsome prince). Not once did I saw a fairytale where the heroine is a self made woman and a pauper as her object of affection. This brainwashment (is that a word?) is so subtle that we didn’t, wouldn’t realised it, maybe until you came across movie like ‘Bride and Prejudice’ and realise the concept of HANDSOME, RICH, man is created by moviemakers to lulled us into dreamery. The reason Jane Austen wrote Pride and Prejudice as it was because that was how life was, and the reason Bride and Prejudice was filmed because it’ll lulled the viewers.
I think this movie had brought me a step closer to resent the concept of fairy tale, marrying a knight in shining armor.

Wish

2005-01-31T11:01:00.000+07:00

if i have one wish,
it'll be to soar high,
roam as free as a bird,
not an ounce of worry in my vein
nor a minute spent in thoughts
just me in my own little bubble world

Puisi

2005-01-26T12:22:00.000+07:00

Tutup jendela jendela itu
Biarkan aku sendirian di dalam
Jangan tanya ada apa denganku
Jangan pula mengasiani diriku

Ketika kegalauan melanda
Dan ragaku melemah tak akan kucari
Tambatan laksana ksatria penyelamat
Pelindung gagah berani

Rumahku telah tersegel
Dan aku sendirian di dalamnya
Seperti yang kuinginkan
Kembali seperti saat aku datang

puisi norak hasil browsing

Kring..

2005-01-25T16:49:00.000+07:00

Kring..Kring..

G: Halo, Monik.

SH: Halo juga.

G: Ini, siapa ya?

SH: Ini suara hati monika

G: Ooo, suara hati to, ada perlu apa yak?

SH: Engga papa, cuma kangen aja. Udah lama engga ngobrol

G: Iyah, abisan gua lagi sibuk sih, jadi engga sempet.

SH: Memang sih, kalo sibuk jadi suka lupa gua. Padahal mestinya elu harus rajin rajin
konsultasi sama gua.

G: Eh, gua lagi banyak kerjaan. Ntar aja yah ngobrolnya

Klik...

Sleeping Pills

2005-01-24T08:41:00.000+07:00

I’ve come early to office purposely to share something that might be useful for you all. My uncle was admitted to hospital a few days ago and diagnosed poisoned. The said poison was from the sleeping pillls/ anti depressants he had been taking and prescribed by his physiciatrist. By the way bear in mind he’s a perfectly jolly fellow, but unfortunately burderned with a stressful job. Within these few days after the pills had been stopped his condition grew much much worse. Yesterday he got so bad that he had to be flown to General Hospital with a full medical staff. All this happened because he took sleeping pills, and he’s not even addicted to it actually, he just can’t take it. Now I know that those pills do look harmless, and actually I am not going to ask you not to take it. But please, the next time you cannot sleep and reaching for a mogadon, or any of those shit, try to think of your loved ones and ask yourself is it worth it?

Pathetic

2005-01-14T22:17:00.000+07:00

Jam sudah menunjukkan pukul 10.23 dan gua masih berkutat di cubicle bapuk di kantor. Padahal tadi sore gua udah pulang kantor, udah bercengkrama, udah makan, udah main sama nyamuk nyamuk di teras. Cuman selang beberapa jam gua mendapat telpon yang memaksa gua kembali ke kubangan stress ini. Sebetulnya gak penting banget cerita gua ini. Jangan pikir kerjaan gua berat, sebetulnya kerjaan gua lumayan santai buktinya tadi siang gua bisa ngintip ebay (ps: tolong jangan diadukan ke bos gua, just between us yak). Enihweih cuman di tempat sesepi kantor gua kala bulan becanda, gua jadi berasa mela (baca melankonis). Apalagi sembari mendengar lagu lagu cinta punya temen gua.
Suasana itu bahaya banget yah. Buktinya hanya dengan kesunyian kantor, dan alunan lagu lagu romantis gua bisa jadi terbawa suasana. Jadi BETEHHHH, seolah olah kaya lagi sedih. Mengakibatkan gua termenung padahal engga ada yang dipikirin.
Whuaaa PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC PATHETIC.
I swear i can hate myself over and over again