Happy Birthday

Today is my dad’s birthday. Another year, another letter. I still miss him but on this third year I’ve begun to feel that it has been like this forever. Living with him in my heart and soul but not in physical presence. I have started to remember him just as he was and not the rosy picture of him in pedestal. When he passed away and years afterward I can only remember his good deeds. I can only picture him as the perfect dad, the perfect mentor, the perfect man. I couldn’t remember his flaws, his limitation, or his humanity. To me he was perfect.
When I re read my blog I notice that throughout the years after he passed away, I’ve always wrote about how much I love him, how much I miss him, and most of all how much I look up to him. I wrote about how he imparted his wisdom to me, about how he seemed to know the answer to all questions, how indulgence he was to us and how he taught me so many stuff during his living years.
I never wrote how he hardly display any sign of affection when I was growing up. I never wrote about how he very seldom praised me. I never wrote how it took me years to finally realize that he did love me and he was proud of me despite of his lack of display of affection. And then of course there’s the physiological that he was my step dad.
But you know what, I don’t care. I love him all the same. Yes, he was not perfect. Yes, he had his flaws. But it doesn’t change the fact that I love him very much and not a day had pass that I don’t think of him.
Happy birthday, daddy.

Panic Mode…

I just got a call from my sis, telling me that my mum is in hospital coz she was hit by a car while crossing. In a nutshell she is all right. But unreasonably I was so agitated and close to crying. The last time I received similar call from my sis, I took it lightly, too lightly that I only reached the hospital way after my father passed away.

PRICK

About 3 hours ago I was fuming mad. Reason being, yours truly who had wanted to ‘try again’ bailed out for Saturday on which we’re supposed to go out just casually. Understood that work is work, but then I do wonder sometimes whether it’s really work or just an excuse. Oh boy I was mad really, and for a while thought why do I let myself get entangled in this nonsense. Here’s the excerpt

YT: … I hv to fly to perth on sat/sat
Me: Oh, so the we’re not going out on Sat? (which btw he asked me last Monday and since I kinda want to catch up with him, I’ve cleared out my calendar… which is not tat busy anyway)
YT: I know. I’m not looking forward to it.
Me: WTF !!!!!!!!!!!!! (silently)

Then after awhile I realize the reason I was fuming was because he wasn’t apologetic about bailing out. The emotion I felt was sort of familiar, I remember there was this time R bailed on me about half an hour before he’s supposed to come and he didn’t sound apologetic and it pushed me off the roof. I was so mad at him then, but of course like always we patched things up.

Well anyway I’m not going to waste my time analyzing anything and I’ll be damned if I waste anymore time writing about yours truly. I’m just venting out, I bloody hate it when people ermmm… I dunno the right word coz the only words in my mind are swearing words... mmm being bloody pricks???

If just

If just it didn't rained today
Then i might not have felt so blue
And i wouldnt be thinking of you

If just i had kept myself busy
Then i might not have let my mind wander
And i wouldnt be wondering about you

If just i had never met you
Then i might had not felt this way
And wouldnt be missing you

Blardeee i hate it when i feel soppy. All will pass and time will heals but by jove i miss him badly today. I hate myself for missing him really.

window

Someone once told me when a door closes a window would be open it's just sometimes one is to preoccupied with the closed door that one does not notice the open window....

Well now i'm on a stage where i'm gonna smash either the window or the door

Dateless for the Holiday

Time is approaching to that season of the year when the suck ness of being a singleton intensified by a couple of notch. I love Christmas ever since I was a kid, but when I was a kid I have never known loneliness, real loneliness that is. I was part of a happy family, I still am I guess but I’m also slowly progressing toward Bridget Jones.

As I grow older and my siblings got married and have the whole works loneliness starts creeping bits by bits. You started to think ‘Oh I wish I have someone special I can share my Christmas’. I vaguely remember once I wrote that I never want anything fancy, but it’d be nice to have someone special to share my Christmas morning, and maybe a nice warm house with gingerbread aroma seeping from the kitchen (go search in the archive!).

Now, obviously it won’t happen for me this year, sharing Christmas morning with that special someone that is. It’s kind of suck I must admit. I mean like come on, if I said that I don’t need a relationship, that I don’t want any guy in my life, I’d be lying through my teeth. But then the fact is I don’t have any of the above, so what can I do?

So this Christmas, instead of waking up with someone special beside me, I’m flying down to Melbourne spending my Christmas holiday with old friends I have not seen for years. We’ll drive out to Yarra Valley spending a couple of nights at a beautiful winery spoiling ourselves silly with the wines, food and spa. And as a treat I will buy myself something very special for Christmas gift. Hey if I don’t have any guy to buy that special gift, I’ll have the next best thing which is buying it myself. And likewise yes spending Christmas at home with your loved one is probably cheaper than a blissful getaway, but hey it sure beats staying at home and torturing myself wishing I have someone. A girl gotta do wats a girl gotta do. Happy Holidays People!!

Calls II

This is the second part of my story, which I took off but I’ve just reposted again. So following my message, a couple of missed calls and one liner emails, I decided to answer his call at the end of week. He said he’s very sorry and all, that work was simply overwhelming and he should try harder. In a nutshell of course then I forgave him and decide that I should just forget about everything that had happen and cut him some slack. The following week things are better though not really up to what I needed it to be. There were more calls and more emails, and he came home for weekend. The weekend was blissful and I thought that it was all worthed. We had a long talk and decide that we will make it work, that he’ll try harder to give me more attention and all. And I think of myself that I’ll be more patient and just let it flow. Come Monday, well let me just tell you I spend most of my Monday night and Tuesday night fuming and hating myself. And so even though I faltered the first time round I decide that as much as I want to be selfless, kind and understanding to him, at this stage my happiness comes first. Who’s going to love me and take care of my happiness if not myself. So for once and for all I broke off with him this morning. A part of me worried whether I make the right decision, because I do like him a lot and I do enjoy spending time with him very much, but the other part of me kept telling me that those enjoyments comes with too expensive price tag. And I still believe I deserve better than sorries that keep repeating themselves.

Calls

Okay… now that I’ve finished my prolonged ‘blue’ mood its time to write about my romantic adventure or the lack of it. I guess as my chums would know ever since the ‘great break up’ I haven’t got any real relationship. Spent the time in Singapore being cynical towards anything related to relationship and having the greatest time in my life being a single gal with no burden, which of course translates to lots of shopping, dining out, booze, dancing, facials, massages, and lazy sunday in front of the TV.
Then a few months ago I met someone quite accidentally over the internet. Yes, I know what you’re thinking but hey it’s not like I planned it, and plus really these days internet has become an integrated networking means in our life. Anyway he seemed like a decent guy so we started emailing each other and all. To be bluntly honest I didn’t think much of it at that time since to me at the end of the day virtual is virtual.
So then I moved to Sydney two months ago and I hooked up with this guy for real as in flesh and blood. So we dated and along the way become sort of an item. Now looking back really it wasn’t the right time to embark on any relationship since I’ve just moved here, I was at loss, and I was lonely. But then I really did like this guy and somehow whenever I like someone my rationale always goes on a holiday.
So then, there I was in a relationship. Because I was in a situation where I myself was at loss (new place, new job, new everything within a week time) plus my rationale went on a holiday very soon I lost control of things. Instead of getting my stuff sorted out I would be crying because he didn’t call me. Or instead of going out building my new circle of friends I would be fervently waiting for a call that never happens. And instead of seeing things as it really are, I was alternating between convincing myself that all relationship needs work and convincing myself that he's not worth the pain.
So then after 2 months of a mix of great dates and sleepless nights I decide that I need to regain control and be realistic. Mind you, I did enjoy spending time with him, but then the ache inflicted from the no call no news days rather out weights it sadly. Not to mention the damage done to my sanity when I called him incessantly to no avail. I guess I’m partly to blame too, I mean why do I let myself got so bothered whether he calls me or not. Well I guess the answer to that is because despite how busy he was I wanted him to miss me as much as I missed him.
Hence a few days ago after a no news day and incessant unanswered called I left him a message in his voicemail that if he thinks that calling me is not important enough (a week and a half earlier he asked me to give him that one and a half week and he would give me more time after that, which I presume means taking 5 minutes from his busy day to call and let me know that he hasn’t forgot) and keeping a promise he made is too much hassle to him then might as well don’t ever calls me anymore. And no he didn’t try to reach me after that, I did receive one miss call and a one liner mentioning the weather and his whereabouts but nothing else. So I guess then that’s it, he’s simply not that into me (quoted from a book I read somewhere). Hence here I am now regaining control in my life, getting my life together (sorted out my banking stuff, insurance, etc which I did!!) and looking forward for what may come.
Oh oh… I almost forgot the best part, funny stories around this episode:
After being upset feeling neglected, went to the loo and let my tears streams down and sobbing for a few minutes. Wipe my tears open the door, loo and behold my boss is inside. Boy, talking about awkward moment.
Had one too many drink after work trying not to think about him, hop on to a bus home and I forgot him allrite. And I also forgot I was in a bus until I woke up from the ‘weird sound’ which turns out to be my snoring and found my face a bit damp from droll.
So anyway, yeah that’s my latest romantic adventure or misadventure written in the hope to amuse you and for your learning if you may. So for guys out there, trust me those 5 minutes calls everyday even at your busiest means a great deal. And really doing small gestures works wonder, girls these days doesn’t need a prince in shining armor to save them anymore but feeling wanted is one thing that all girls still needs.

Clingy

Again I’m stealing time… but then again it’s almost knock off time and I’ve exhaust my brain for the day, so I figure I’ll recharge myself by writing something.

A few days ago a good friend of mine had confided about her relationship. It wasn’t such a big thing but it had gotten us to start a very interesting conversation about “How clingy is clingy?” In a nutshell her boyfriend felt that she was too clingy and not giving him the space he needed. It came as a surprise to her since she felt that she had given him ample room and she didn’t feel that she was clingy at all.

To me it sounds really familiar, as a renowned drama queen my exes would happily testify about my clingy-ness and my over analyzing. But of course the question is what is considered as being too clingy? Does expecting a call at least once a day is considered as clingy while you’re apart? Or is one call a day Ok but expecting a call every morning and night is clingy? If you ask me, a call every morning and night is still Ok even when you’re busy. But then again of course I’m a girl and I like receiving those ‘no reason’ phone calls. I guess it’s flattering to know that someone is thinking of you even at his busiest time. After all what’s a 3 minutes call? A mere sms or a 3 minutes call only takes a tiny fraction of one’s time. Hey if it’s me I would spare 3 minutes to sms even at my busiest time I mean one would still need a break and sms ing someone I like is a good enough break for me.

Buuttt, the flaw of this argument is that again I’m not a guy. All guidebooks would tell you that guys doesn’t function the same way as girls are (believe me, I read tons of those books). Basic example generally guys are known to be poor multi taskers and girls can do 3 things in one time. So just because I would happily sms someone I like during my break it doesn’t mean it can be applied to a guy. Don’t ask me what a guy will think about this. Whether like me he’d also feel that sms ing someone he likes is as good break as anything or he prefer not to be distracted at all. I’m not a guy after all, but I guess the message is that we are just different creatures. Hence to answer the question of how clingy is clingy, well I guess you and your partner have to works it out since no same formula can be applied.

Oh one last thing don’t trust my word too much ok, since you who know me would know already I’m hopeless in relationship department. I just hope Mr.W doesn’t read this, or if you do… no it’s not about us babe, but if you want to call me more often I’d be happy to receive your calls hohohohoho….

Prickly

Again I’m stealing time since I need to vent out my soul and I guess it’s easier to just write about it instead of whining to a friend given the circumstances (read: outlook is being stupid n in new job so cannot make personal calls).
For my closer people I guess as everyone you all know I have finally moved to Sydney and with flying colors. I manage to sort out my stuff in Singapore get a job here in less than a week and I guess more or less get myself settled here.
I guess it’s not so much of a big deal for most people, I mean people do move around and it’s not like I’m moving to some God’s forsaken land. But anyhow I guess somehow I’m drained now. The last couple of years has been a whirlwind affair packed with lessons learn, heartache, development, basically everything. Now I’m not asking for muffin basket or anything, but oh please give me a break. I’m sorry to be such a whiner, but I’ve gone through enough stuff for now at least. All the while I’ve been marching along since I know that everything were temporary, the happiness, the sadness. But I guess now I’m in a stage where I don’t really have the energy to march anymore and I just want to sit still for a while till I can muster some energy.
So yeah like I said, I’m not asking for muffin basket, but please give me a break and appreciate what I have gone through and came out from. Let me tell you it wasn’t such an easy ride. So if I hear one more word about me being a slacker and about me should start taking charge of my life, I swear I would strangle you. I swear I would let the nasty me come out and tear you to pieces, bits by bits !!

B...

I’m stealing time to write today because my B just lost her grandfather after a long battle with his illness. One should think by this time I’m used to this already considering there had been quite a number of losses among my closest people. Yet whenever it happens I cannot help not to feel for those who just lost their loved ones. I’m sad that B is experiencing this loss, but more than that I felt sorry that I’m so far away that I could not do much for her.

When my dad passed away B was a tower of strength and she had showered so much attention to me and my family by doing little things like showing up to my place every day bringing little treats. I will always love her for that and for a lot of other things. As much as I like my independence and freedom living away from home at times like this I regret of moving away.

Sunday blues

I feel so blue i dunno wat to do... I guess i might resolve in moping a while later. I hate it when one of those blue mood hits you like a thunder and u feel so resolutely blue and all u want to do is moping. Missing Singapore...

My Boss up there & His kindness

I had wanted to write a long and emotionally charged piece about how God have always takes care of me and once again He has shown His greatness in my life. But then again i decide it's not really me to write a ' Religious Testimonial' especially a long one. So then i decide to just do a short one about how the Guy up there have very kindly worked things out for me.

I came back to OZ a couple of weeks ago rather worried about getting a job here, mainly because the last time i tried to find a job in OZ i ended up becoming unemployed for 6 months on which my faith was tested so badly. If you're so idle, you can read abt it somewhere in the archive i guess. So i kinda told the Guy up there to be nice to me this time since i've been thru a lot the last couple of years. As always the never ending negotiation with Him n convince Him to make my plan His plan.

So anyway, guess what i've managed to secure a job within the first week i arrived and a not so bad job either !! And the interview process n all happened in a day. So yeah i was quite a lucky bastard and of course my Man up there must hv clock in some extra hours to made this happen for me. So yeah You rock man !!

25th August 2005 - 25th August 2007

Last Saturday was my dad’s 2nd year death anniversary. Time does fly really. In my head it was like yesterday, the nightmare still vividly etched in my mind. The bewilderment, the lost feeling, and the pain. It felt like there was a huge stone slowly descending to your chest. Your heart was crushed little by little, the muscles contracting as if trying to fight the pressing movement of the stone. Soon you would be gasping for air. You face would start turning blue and the world was turning dark.

That’s how I felt at that time the minute I heard the news. Now two years pass sometimes I still feel it. Despite all my bravado, my faith that it’s all for the best, and my most positive-ness, there will always be days when I miss him so badly. I went to church and my heart crunch for missing him so much. There was this invisible being who twist my heart squeezing the life out of me and at that precise moment I felt this enormous anguish I couldn’t help crying.

For the whole hour I kept bargaining with God to free my dad from purgatory. When he passed away, it happened so quick that he didn’t have time to receive the last rite sacrament. This had been weighing on my mum so much being a devout that she is. I remember about half a year after my dad passed away I went to a trip to Israel. I never actually said it before but the reason I choose Israel is so that I can bargain with God to let my dad free from purgatory. When I was in Jesus’ tomb I asked for a mass for my dad hoping that it would hold more appeal to God, it was the holiest place after all. I stuck little notes on the Wailing Wall proposing my bargain with God. I lighted candles in Bethlehem hoping it would carry my prayer about freeing my dad from purgatory. I stare at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus made his miracles and pleading to God to free my dad. Everywhere I went I incessantly praying, pleading, demanding, and reasoning to God so my dad can be exempted from the fire of purgatory. And now two years afterwards, I still continue my campaign for my dad. So God, please consider my proposal and really wouldn’t it be easier to just grant me this wish so that you don’t have to be bothered with my nagging?

If tomorrow never comes

Read a friend’s blog who had just put up the lyric of ‘If tomorrow never comes’. I never really liked the song much, since I always thought it was on the cheesy side. But reading it I somehow feel touched. Though to be fair I’ve been on mellow mood the last couple of days and with good biological reason too.

Anyway, the bit that really touched me is

“And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last??”

I thought it was really sweet that when faced with the idea of passing away he didn’t think about how much he was going to miss her, but he was more worried about whether she’ll survive it. I guess when you love someone so much you’ll put her well being above yours.

I remember when my dad passed away, my mum told me that she’s sorry that I have to go through it. She’s sorry that I had to lose my dad all over again and she hope that I’ll be okay. Looking back, it showed how much she loved me when she said that. When she had just lost her dream of spending her old age with her husband, losing her lifelong companion, she worried about me. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she felt sorry for me. Frankly speaking i imagine that it was a bigger lost for her than for me considering the fact that they were together almost 24x7 and practically breathing the same air all the time. Yet my mum worried about me. And i'm sure when he was passing away my dad would probably thinking about how his family would survive it, though i didn't think that he'd doubt tat we would survive.

If I have half the capacity of my parents to love, I’d be a lucky person seriously.

Life

Just read a piece about Belinda Emmet, an Australian actress & wife of Rove McManus. I vaguely remembered her from some old local series and of course from the tabloids. Anyway, she had lost her life to cancer about a year ago. Reading testimonies from her family and friends makes me realize that in life it’s never about the destination but always about the journey. It does not matter that she did not have the luxury of growing old like most of us will, because somehow in her short life she had made it worth living. Spread as much love to her loved ones, be happy despite all misgivings, and most of all simply love her life. Easier said than done, of course.

There are times in my life, a lot actually when I simply feel down and the nasty self pity virus creeping into my soul. Those days when you just feel that everything are blue, and your lips refuses to smile. Days when you sit on the couch, staring blankly at the TV and before you know it tears trickles down your cheek. Days when not even storewide sale perks up your desire to burn money you don’t have. Days when chocolate fudge ben n jerry’s does not tempt your taste buds at all, though it’s good for your waistline it’s not good for your moral really. Yeah, I’ve had those days more often that I should be actually.

Reading that piece about Belinda reminds me of how much life has to offer really. If just I can shake off those negativity dust whose life purpose seems to be making me miserable. When I was a child whenever I felt upset I will hide in my closet. I will sit inside the dark closet among the hanging clothes, shutting the world out. At times I can stay there for hours and fall asleep curled up with clothes strewn all over me. Always my nanny will pick me out and lay me on my bed. I would wake up the next day in my bed and not a word ever being said, she would just let me be. Even during bleak time somehow there will be someone something that will remind me of how lucky I was.

Please Baby Don't- Sergio Mendez, John Legend

Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me
Please baby don't (baby don't)
You know my history
See honey I (honey I)
I'm just trying to warn you (let me warn you)
Please baby don't (baby don't)
Don't fall in love with me

I've been cruisin down this road for a while now,
I should tell the truth...
Girl you've been so good to me but I know
I'm no good for you
You should run while you can
Find yourself a better man
'Cause I'm known for brief romance
And breakin hearts across the land

Yes I've been known to have a few temptations
Out there on the road
And let's say hypothetically I've slipped and
Took a couple home
Girl I know that's not fair
You need someone who'll be there
So just get away before it's too late
and you're pain is too much to bear

......

Now on second thought maybe we'll give
This love another try'
Cause I can't see you with no one else
I'm selfish I can't lie
So let's go, let's go slow
You know all you need to know
It could end one day but
Let's just say we'll see how far it goes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Am listening to this song now and i must say i like it a lot. Was telling my friend about this song and she said this is how bastards gets the nice girls... he he he

Time is Running Out - Muse

think I'm drowning
asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
that you've created
you're something beautiful
a contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
you will be the death of me
you will be the death of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
I wanted freedombound and restricted
I tried to give you up
but I'm addicted
now that you know I'm trapped sense of elation
you'd never dream of
breaking this fixation
you will squeeze the life out of me
bury itI won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
how did it come to this?ooooohh
you will suck the life out of me
bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it
our time is running out
our time is running out
you can't push it underground
you can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh

Dawn

As she held her gaze steady looking right through the fog. She knew then, she knew. It will not be too long anymore. Soon the sun will rise and her waiting will be over.

She wraps her hands around her chest, fighting away the chill pre dawn air. Her mind wanders like it always do. Her breathing quiet and regulated. Her busom going up and down. And her minds wanders even more.

Outside the sky is dark. Below on the street the milk cart rattled delivering white bottles of cow's goodness. Murky oil lamps shimmers among the fog. Policeman doing his rounds and fighting of cold with a flask of cognac.

She turns her head from the window. Her bed neat and untouched. Starched sheets and quilted patchwork free of wrinkles. Withering roses of yesterday yellowing in painted white vase. She summon her mind back from wandering. Always the wanderer her mind is.

Golden rays starts to shine out far away in the east. Lights begin to shine out from windows across the street. Crystal morning dew necklace forming on the spider web just below the railing. Oh so pretty she thoughts.

Another night. Another dawn. Another day. A sleepless night has passed. A sleepless night without her beloved.

Happy Birthday

Last Wednesday was my mum’s birthday. I asked B to help me buy some orchids for her and send it to her place. My ever so helpful B had initiatively pulled out poem which I have now idea where and attached it to the orchids…
Superbly corny & cheesy, and both B & I did have a good laugh at it but then somehow the more we laugh about it the more I realize that I do meant most of it, if just I can put it in a less cheesy way… sigh
Mom, you're a wonderful mother,

So gentle, yet so strong.

The many ways you show you care

Always make me feel I belong.

You're patient when I'm foolish;

You give guidance when I ask;

It seems you can do most anything;

You're the master of every task.

You're a dependable source of comfort;

You're my cushion when I fall.

You help in times of trouble;

You support me whenever I call.

I love you more than I can express;

You have my total respect.

If I had my choice of mothers,

You'd be the one I'd select!

Happy Birthday Mom..


Love,
Monika

Orgasmic Experience

Whenever i read food review that calls a meal or any sort of eating activity as an orgasmic experience i have always thinks of it as an exageration, until today.

I went to have dinner at Mackenzie Rex down in Selegie road with my partner in crime R. Had cereal prawn which i have been craving for since afternoon along with wrapped chicken and a tofu claypot. I have eaten there a couple of times before, and although i've thought of it as one of the better place i didn't think of it as a special place.

Maybe because i was starving or maybe simply because i have been craving for cereal prawn, but as i started eating i began to sweat though none of the food was anywhere spicy nor the place was hot. As the dinner progress somehow i felt that it was just me and my food and nothing else exist in the world... yes, yes i know it's glutton. I slowly work my way on the prawn cereals, peeling of the crispy cereal bits from the shells, sucking off the morsels in prawn head, and happily chewing the prawn meat lathered in cereals.

Before i knew it I was sweating like no one's business. Seriously i was drenched and sweat actually trickles from my forehead, and the strangest thing is the place was quite cooling and i wasn't having any chili nor anything hot at all. By the time i finish my meal, I've felt strangely elated and happy. I sat there contented and i smile.

My orgasmic experience, and now a good few hours after dinner I'm still smiling.

Doa

Tuhan,
tolong beri aku sedikit cahaya
supaya aku tidak tersesat dalam jalanku
tolong beri aku sedikit tumpuan
supaya aku tidak terseok seok dalam meniti
tolong beri aku kesabaran
supaya aku tidak terjatuh dalam ketergesaanku
tolong beri aku kepercayaan
supaya aku tidak putus asa dalam pencarianku

Foxy

I once had a mini collie named Foxy. A bundle of excess energy and endless mischief who always get himself in trouble especially with my dad. A sneaky little creature who somehow always manage to let himself free whenever he was put in a cage or tied up in a pole to pay for his penitence. Whose life purpose is to destroy things and testing people patience. But when he sit still and dozing never have I seen more beautiful creature than he was. The sleek face, wide eye but slanted, his upturned ear and his soft long brown and white mane. When he slept at the corner of my bedspread he always looked so peaceful and angelic one would not imagine he was the same dog barking like mad at no one and happily sashaying in the rooftop breaking the roof tiles. One would not guess that the dog who had caught a mouse and played with it’s remnants is the same dog that gracefully raise his paw to my palm.
In the end I began to be busy and started to neglect him. Soon he became just a nuisance and I cannot see the beautiful creature in him that I used to see. I cease to play with him, I stop letting him sleep in my room, and I started to forget him. But when he began to grow old and ill ridden I realize how much I love that dog. And when he passed away and I wasn’t around I went to my bathroom and started to cry quietly. I cried for hours and the grief didn’t left me for days. I cried for that dog much more than when some other people in my life passed away. I was mourning for this being who had loved me unconditionally even when I neglected and forgot him.

Never My Love -Astrud Gilberto

You ask me if there'll come a time
when I grow tired of you;
never my love, never my love.

You wonder if this heart of mine
will lose its desire for you;
never my love,never my love.

What makes you think love will end
when you know that my whole life
depends on you?

You say you fear I'll change my mind
I won't require you,
Never my love,never my love.

How can you think love will end
when I've asked you to spend your
whole life with me?

So vry addicted to this song

$#@&

I'm just so freaking tired... I just want to lay my head somewhere... and the worst thing is at the end of the day you know the only one you can rely to support your head is your own neck.

damn guilty

I have spent the day fuming about not getting any holiday in place for easter, because i was a day shy and now everything are fully booked. I went from mad, upset, and dissapointedly resigned to the fact that i'd most probably do the same boring thing again.

Was keeping quiet and silently curse the world of never letting me get the small things that i wanted like a stupid measly holiday. I was so absorbed in hating my impatience, myself and basically hating the world. Then as i was standing there pitying myself, an old man came by rummaging the trash can in front of me and as it turns out he's collecting cigarette buts that still have one or two drags left for him to satisfy his nicotine craving.

Who am i to hate the world ?????? If either one of us has the better reason to hate it, it's gotta be that old man. And from the look of it he seemed pretty damn happy. I curse myself for being ungrateful sodding being.

damn guilty

I have spent the day fuming about not getting any holiday in place for easter, because i was a day shy and now everything are fully booked. I went from mad, upset, and dissapointedly resigned to the fact that i'd most probably do the same boring thing again.

Was keeping quiet and silently curse the world of never letting me get the small things that i wanted like a stupid measly holiday. I was so absorbed in hating my impatience, myself and basically hating the world. Then as i was standing there pitying myself, an old man came by rummaging the trash can in front of me and as it turns out he's collecting cigarette buts that still have one or two drags left for him to satisfy his nicotine craving.

Who am i to hate the world ?????? If either one of us has the better reason to hate it, it's gotta be that old man. And from the look of it he seemed pretty damn happy. I curse myself for being ungrateful sodding being.

Academy Award Morning

I had spent the morning frantically reading updates about the academy award and half cursing myself for not taking my notebook home last Friday which renders me to be unable to work from home and watching Academy Award at the same time this morning.
It began quite splendidly; Pan’s Labyrinth scores 2 awards for art direction & cinematography… I enjoyed that movie so I’m happy it won… Then Happy Feet won best featured animation film… Yaayyy… I cried when I saw that movie… And Alan Arkin won best supporting role for Little Miss Sunshine… YAAAYYY… it’s a good omen for my favorite movie of the year….finger cross… Then Jennifer Hudson won best supporting actress for Dreamgirls… yaayyy again… I thought the movie lack of that oomph factor but I like her, plus what a great success story from idol reject to Oscar winner… if only to snub the idol winners, and judges while you're at it… And Little Miss Sunshine won best original screenplay… double YAAYYY… come on you got it baby… well under way to the final glory of winning best motion picture… Then Helen Mirren won best leading role for The Queen… Yaaayyyy… I like the movie and I love her queen… Forest Whitaker won the leading role actor for The last king of Scotland… well I haven’t watched the movie and I dun have any favorite for this category so…. Good on ya mate … Excited… excited … Then the news come down… The departed won for best motion picture…. Arggghhhhhhhhh…… Boohoo.…. Its little miss sunshine’s little gold man., give it back… not you… not the departed… At least let The Queen win… Not some freaking remake of a hongkie movie, which btw is better than the remake…. Arghhhh… There goes my beautiful morning.

Happy Birthday...

Today is my dad’s birthday. He would have been 75 today had he been around. I guess age doesn’t really matter to him anymore now that he’s happily enjoying his eternal life. I cannot help to feel that this is still that special day that we would celebrate. Funnily enough unintentionally I had fried noodle during lunchtime and I didn’t even realize that today is his birthday.
Papap if you are around you’re probably eating your ice cream cake as we speak. The one with fruit cocktail ice cream and without any cake just layers of your favorite ice cream hand made courtesy of your sister, my ice cream auntie. You would have spent the morning playing golf being it a Wednesday, and you’d probably brought little treats for your golfing pals. The afternoon would have been spent at home with your grandchildren bringing you cards they made themselves, and by evening we all would probably eat your favorite soto.
Papap life goes on for the rest of us. You’d be so proud with your newest little grand daughter. As for us, the kids who aren’t exactly kids anymore but will always be kids in your eyes, well life has been kind to us I guess. I’m still as lost as ever, but still manage to slowly creeping to the whatever my destiny is. In other word… yes, I’m still working! And no I’m not bumming! Though sadly to say your hope of me settling down is still rather, well obscure… I still don’t know where I want to live and start building my life. But don’t worry, don’t worry, I’ll sort it out soon I guess… J
Papap wonder whether you’re happy over there… Well you better jolly be happy since losing you wasn’t quite a walk in the park and it’s definitely is not worth it if you’re not happy. And you better enjoy your birthday over there, because not being able to celebrate it with you is kinda suck. Sigh, I’m sorry I’m ranting… I guess I just miss you. Miss your wrinkly skin, miss your laughter, miss your words of wisdom and most of all… I miss munching chips in front of the TV with you.

Corniest poem of All

Don' wipe my tears when i cried
Just lend me your time to see me cry
So i know i'm not crying by myself

Don't make my life right when it's screwed
Just give me a little encouragement
So i know it's still worthed

Don't try to heal me when i'm hurting
Just lend me your shoulder to lean on
So i know i have a rope to hang on

Don't try to guide me when i'm lost
Just ride with me and lend me your map
So i know it's my way

Chappatis

I made my first chappatis yesterday... yayyy...
surprisingly easy... it wasn't quite there yet but it wun
take more than a few more rounds of dough making...

Times like this i wish i have a camera... huhuhuh

Only Love - Nana Muskouri

Only love can make a memory.
Only love can make a moment last.
You were there and all the world was youngand all it's songs unsung.
and I remember you then,
when love was all,
all you were living for,
and how you gave that love to me.
Only then I felt my heart was free.
I was part of you and you were all of me.
Warm were the days and the nightsof those years.
Painted in colors to outshine the sun.
All of the words and the dreamsand the tears live in my remembrance.
Only love can make a memory.
Only love can make a moment last.
Life was new, there was a rage to live,
each day a page to live,and I remember you then,
when love was all, all you were living forand how you gave that love to me
Only then I knew my heart was free.
I was part of you and you were all of me.

Cheezy but i dun care i love this song

Ibu ku

Ibu ku tidak suka memasak, dia juga tidak suka bersih bersih. Biasanya dia selalu menyuruh pembantunya untuk melakukan semua pekerjaan rumah. Dia juga kadang kadang suka tidak sabaran dan marah marah. Dia juga sering kali menganggap aku seperti anak kecil dan terlihat ingin mengontrol hidupku.

Tapi aku bangga sama ibuku karena:
1. Walaupun dia menangis, dia selalu tabah dan selalu yakin bahwa semua akan berlalu dan segala sesuatu akan menjadi indah di saat waktunya. Ketika ayahku meninggal dia tetap menjalani hidupnya seperti normal. Walaupun dia jadi susah tidur, setiap hari dia tetap bangun pagi dan ke gereja. Dia tetap berkarya dan tetap rajin membantu orang orang.

2. Walaupun dia kesepian dia tidak mengijinkan aku untuk merubah hidupku untuknya. Ketika aku ingin pindah ke luar negri, dia menyemangati aku dan membantu aku dalam segala hal, padahal pada saat itu dia pasti membutuhkan aku untuk ada di dekatnya untuk mengobati kesepiannya.

3. Walaupun dulu dia memiliki kesempatan bagus untuk membangun karirnya, dia memilih untuk menjadi ibu rumah tangga, karena dia tahu itu yang ayahku inginkan dan yang anak anaknya butuhkan.

4. Walaupun aku suka tidak sabaran sama dia dan terkadang jahat dia tetap selalu sabar menungguku untuk berubah. Dia selalu mengerti keadaanku, bahkan sebelum aku mengerti.

5. Walaupun dia pelit dan jarang membeli barang barang bagus untuk dirinya, dia selalu dengan mudah meminjamkan uang ke orang lain. Pada waktu penyewa rumahnya tidak punya uang untuk membayar sewaan dia tidak sampai hati untuk menagih dan membiarkan dia tetap tinggal walaupun sudah menunggak berbulan bulan.

Loo

Mmm... i feel like these days my soul has grown numb... I never have the urge to write and pour my soul out anymore. My journal pages have been left blank for ages, and no more tear stained writings anymore. I've ceased to be emotial wreck... or so i thought...

Today in the office, as always i did my 'business' as nature calls, and not having any reading materials around i relented to busy myself with my phone (non vibrating mode of course - u dirty s**t :P) Flick my old messeges, then my image gallery... Flicking until i came across some old snapshots taken when i had just got that phone... Yeah i look a tad bit younger, better complexion, and i dunno fresher i guess... Then there it was a picture of me any my dad. Taken when i just had that phone, our first phone camera experience...

And i cried for a minute, there and then just as flushes heard from the other cubicles tears also trickles down my cheeck as i relived that evening in front of the TV. Me and my dad and my then new phone.

The movie reel in my head finish. Wiped my tears, flushed the toilet, wash my hand, and i walked out the loo smiling to colleagues i met on the way to my project meeting that afternoon.

2007

Another new year… yes, yes this is also another boring new year recollection and resolution. But hey, this is my blog and where else would I write my sorry piece if not on my sorry blog.
Okeih… let’s see what had been happening in my life during 2006 apart from the obvious like changing jobs, changing geographic location, changing friendster relationship status. Just a quick recap if you haven’t been following my blog (and may I ask why?), I started the year living in Indonesia working for an insurance company and happily or not too happily immerse in a long distance couple hood. Fast forward a few months I was still living in Indonesia but minus my job and my couple hood. After a spell in middle east, I moved to Singapore in the pursuit of both my career advancement and my ex. Cut story short, I got myself a job which I actually enjoy, I’ve gave up my ex, and now just living my life by ear.
Now, lets get down to the main course. What did the year taught me? I’ve spent a good part of my adult life searching for Mr. Right, and even at the stage that I know that it’s not quite right I still refuse to budge. Truly I was an obsessed woman, obsessed of making my relationship work. May I remind you, I’m that woman who resigned moved to another country only to seek confirmation that my relationship was well and truly over. The good things about the experience are:
It makes me realize that I have the ability of doing things all the way and not just do things halfway. Well of course unfortunately the ‘thing’ wasn’t really appropriate.
There are too many uncertainties in relationship department that in some cases no matter how much you push for it a good chance that it will still not work out. So consequently you should not plan your life around this particular sector.
Work is actually a sector in your life that can be most rewarding and to some extend has less uncertainty. Hence planning your life around this particular sector is wiser than the above.
Most important of all truly believe the saying ‘whenever a door closed, a window opened.’ For me, my obsession with relationship is my door and my newfound interest in my career is my newly fitted window.
So yeah, I’ve learned to accept things that I cannot change (read: cannot force relationship) and change things I can change (read: work hard for career). Never be afraid of changes because you simply will never know what is stored for you unless you try it. I moved across the ocean for something so uncertain I sometime still kick myself for it and in return I actually found something I didn’t think I will ever have…contentment.

Daddy

I miss my dad... No...no... this is not a sad piece where i will lament how i loss him and how painful it is not having him around. I'm not missing him in the sad teary way. I'm missing him in a grateful way. U know, because i've had a bundle of good memories. The story was, i tried to fix up my toilet yesterday put in some sealant to fill in the gaps and all. It was a miserable job, and on a split second i had thought about calling my dad, because that was wat i always did. Whenever i need to fix things around the house, i'd always ended up calling him and he always knew what to do. How to fix leaking tap, how to install new phone line, how to add extra light fixture. My ever handy dad, who never fails to fix things but always fails to train his hopelessly clumsy children. Please send miracle and fix my toilet daddy, and my air con while u're at it.

Smile

Okayyy... if i smile this would not be too bad....
Sigh... i know living is hard...
but i i just smile then it'll just be a lil bit better
Darn... i feel like crying though
I have to smile... smile....
Orrbbb.... but i feel like tearing my hair out already
Come.. come now.... calm down... and smile
Yeah... lets smile
Smile smile smile...
Shall f*****g smile...
*grinning* *grinning*

Ps: actually it does works...

'Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile'
-Madeleine Peyroux Album-

Percakapan dengan Tuhan II

Me: Psst...psst
B : Ya ampun Mon, jam segini gak mau tidur apah?
Me : Bos, bos... aku tadi ke gereja
B : Hee, iyah Bos tau. Terima kasih yah, kamu kangen juga sama Bos
Me: Iyah, hehehe... Bos aku juga mau bilang terima kasih.
B: Koq tumben kamu?
Me: Iyah, ma kasih Bos selalu sayang aku, dan semuanya Bos urusin. Soal aku, mamah, temen temenku, semuanya...
B: Mon, makanya jangan suka bikin dosa yah, supaya engga nyusah nyusahin Bos...

Percakapan dengan Tuhan

m: Bos... bos lagi sibuk gak?
T: yaaa... kenapa mon? Lagi sedih ya? koq manggil manggil...
m: engga sih, tapih pengen nanya
T: mau tanya apa memangnya? tanya lah
m: Bos, kenapa yah aku belakangan ini males ke gereja. Kayanya setiap kali mau ke gereja
pasti ada aja alesan...
T: loh koq nanyanya ke Saya sih? Itu kan mestinya kamu sendiri yang tau sih.
m: Ya iya sih, tapi kan aku ke gereja untuk nemuin Bos. Buat menjalanin ibadah seperti yang bos mau.
T: Mon, walaupun kamu adalah putriku yang gak terlalu pintar mestinya kamu tau dong bahwa
Saya tidak pernah memaksa kamu untuk melalukan apapun. Bahwa Saya pengen kamu ke gereja setidaknya hari minggu, iyah itu benar. Tapi itu terserah kamu mau pergi apa tidak.
m: engg, jadi bos engga marah kalo aku engga ke gereja?
T: Mon, coba pikir sebetulnya gereja itu apa?
m: emm, rumah Tuhan.
T: kamu kalo pulang ke rumah kenapa?
m: yah karena cape, pengen istirahat, pengen ketemu orang rumah, yah karena itu rumahku.
T: Nah, sama dong karena kamu tuh anakKu, by deduction gereja itu adalah rumah kamu. Pulanglah kalo kamu lelah, kalau kamu kangen Aku, atau yah kalau kamu merasa kamu masih butuh ketemu Aku. Semua itu adalah pilihan mon. Tapi ingat sampai kapan pun kamu akan selalu disambut di rumahKu.
m: Bos... maafin aku yah....

Terima Kasih

Ini norak dan cengeng
layaknya kartu ucapan murahan
namun di pikiranku selalu mendengung dengung
Jadi maaf dan biarkan saya mengungkapkan

Terima kasih nyet
karena kalian aku bisa bahagia sekarang
melewati masa masa engga banget
dikala kalian sabar ketika aku meraung

Mulai dari lindung cah fumak
sampai chili crab
Dari mata sembab
sampai racauan yang enggak

Aduh jangan mulai mencibir
Sungguh saya tidak berlebihan
Saya hanya bersyukur
dan saya sayang kalian

Ps: Jangan terlalu ge er yah... tapi mwah buat semua yang berasa...=)