25th August 2005 - 25th August 2007

Last Saturday was my dad’s 2nd year death anniversary. Time does fly really. In my head it was like yesterday, the nightmare still vividly etched in my mind. The bewilderment, the lost feeling, and the pain. It felt like there was a huge stone slowly descending to your chest. Your heart was crushed little by little, the muscles contracting as if trying to fight the pressing movement of the stone. Soon you would be gasping for air. You face would start turning blue and the world was turning dark.

That’s how I felt at that time the minute I heard the news. Now two years pass sometimes I still feel it. Despite all my bravado, my faith that it’s all for the best, and my most positive-ness, there will always be days when I miss him so badly. I went to church and my heart crunch for missing him so much. There was this invisible being who twist my heart squeezing the life out of me and at that precise moment I felt this enormous anguish I couldn’t help crying.

For the whole hour I kept bargaining with God to free my dad from purgatory. When he passed away, it happened so quick that he didn’t have time to receive the last rite sacrament. This had been weighing on my mum so much being a devout that she is. I remember about half a year after my dad passed away I went to a trip to Israel. I never actually said it before but the reason I choose Israel is so that I can bargain with God to let my dad free from purgatory. When I was in Jesus’ tomb I asked for a mass for my dad hoping that it would hold more appeal to God, it was the holiest place after all. I stuck little notes on the Wailing Wall proposing my bargain with God. I lighted candles in Bethlehem hoping it would carry my prayer about freeing my dad from purgatory. I stare at the Sea of Galilee where Jesus made his miracles and pleading to God to free my dad. Everywhere I went I incessantly praying, pleading, demanding, and reasoning to God so my dad can be exempted from the fire of purgatory. And now two years afterwards, I still continue my campaign for my dad. So God, please consider my proposal and really wouldn’t it be easier to just grant me this wish so that you don’t have to be bothered with my nagging?

If tomorrow never comes

Read a friend’s blog who had just put up the lyric of ‘If tomorrow never comes’. I never really liked the song much, since I always thought it was on the cheesy side. But reading it I somehow feel touched. Though to be fair I’ve been on mellow mood the last couple of days and with good biological reason too.

Anyway, the bit that really touched me is

“And if my time on earth were through
And she must face the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past

Gonna be enough to last??”

I thought it was really sweet that when faced with the idea of passing away he didn’t think about how much he was going to miss her, but he was more worried about whether she’ll survive it. I guess when you love someone so much you’ll put her well being above yours.

I remember when my dad passed away, my mum told me that she’s sorry that I have to go through it. She’s sorry that I had to lose my dad all over again and she hope that I’ll be okay. Looking back, it showed how much she loved me when she said that. When she had just lost her dream of spending her old age with her husband, losing her lifelong companion, she worried about me. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she felt sorry for me. Frankly speaking i imagine that it was a bigger lost for her than for me considering the fact that they were together almost 24x7 and practically breathing the same air all the time. Yet my mum worried about me. And i'm sure when he was passing away my dad would probably thinking about how his family would survive it, though i didn't think that he'd doubt tat we would survive.

If I have half the capacity of my parents to love, I’d be a lucky person seriously.